My phone alarm began to ring. The sweet sound of “Welcome to My Life” by Simple Plan filled the room. Rolling out of bed, I took off my Spongebob Squarepants pajama bottoms and applied some of Justin Bieber’s latest fragrance, “Somebody.” I turned to my vanity mirror, looked myself right in the eyes and, in Klingon, murmured the chorus of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful.” I was finally ready. I picked up my pitchfork and ran to Bright Cottage. It was time to participate in Exeter’s very own Occupy movement.
While various Occupy movements such as “Occupy Wall Street,” “Occupy Boston” and “Occupy Seattle” have been primarily directed against social and economic inequality, Occupy Exeter has taken a different approach. I joined this valiant movement because I will not stand for a particular inequality that prevails on our campus. Occupy Exeter’s objection is simple: it is completely unfair for 1 percent of the Exeter student population to have 99 percent of the good looks.
I remember matriculating Exeter as a young freshman. With my turbulent middle school years behind me, I had become pretty accustomed to the name-calling. “Homely,” “she-man,” “floppy body.” You name it, I have been called it. As a lonely eighth grader, I really took these insults to heart. I dreamed of a land where intelligence and Star Trek trivia knowledge transcended high school social norms. I dreamed of Exeter, a place where any ugly person could prosper.
You can imagine my displeasure when, after moving into my new dorm, I looked over at the five person all-girls dormitory, Bright Cottage, as its residents hosted an inaugural new student car wash. I realized then and there that Exeter was not the place I thought it would be. After viewing countless admissions videos and Facebook stalking numerous athletes, I had been sure that there couldn’t possibly be any attractive students at Exeter.
But then I saw the Bright girls, and my world was blown out of proportion. I wasn’t sure what I hated more: the flowing tresses of their hair? Their flawless physiques? The split second of me wishing I were them? Nay, it was that these aesthetically pleasing few were keeping all the hotness to themselves.
We members of the Occupy Exeter movement will continue to protest outside of Bright Cottage and any other dormitories that we hear are hiding good-looking students.