The Eighth Page

New Campus Security Keeping You Angsty Kids In… We Mean Safe!

We are pleased to report that new security measures are being taken here at Exeter to prevent the escape of – I mean – protect the safety of our students. It has come to the attention of the faculty that several of our students have been partaking in activities that could be construed as “socialization.” As we all know, “social” activities are strictly against our F.U.N. policy. We believe that school is a place for learning alone. As such, no leisure activities should be permitted, lest any of our students have an average below 11.0. We are therefore installing prison bars in dorm windows and are having total lockdown for all students promptly at 5:00p.m. We will install live-streaming video feeds in all dorms to ensure that roommates will neither speak to each other, nor use any form of social media. We are calling this revolutionary program “big brother.” We also encourage any students who believe that their dorm mates are ignoring these policies to report to the nearest official. Any students engaging in seditious behavior will be removed from campus for interrogation. Chauncy Collington III ’14 says of the policy, “It’s fantastic! I have extracted social interaction from my life, and therefore I can focus solely on my studies!” Additionally, many Exonians have taken to leaving campus to engage in “entertainment activities,” including, but not limited to, movie watching and bowling. This is entirely unacceptable. To counteract these flagrantly disrespectful acts, we will be adding increased levels of campus perimeter security. A high-voltage electric fence will enclose our campus, throughout which will be security towers equipped with searchlights and staffed by security officers. When asked her opinion on the policy, one teacher stated, “Remember – it’s for your own good.”