The Eighth Page

Exeter Renovates! Boundary Fences and Refurbished Student Holding Cells

Home sweet home! Exeter renovations are in full swing after the school’s board re-announced a budget increase from $35.78 to $42.33. The original announcement came in 1989, but, due to necessary and vast upgrades on the school’s boundary fences and trash cans, the renovations had been delayed until now. The most significant of the upgrades: communal showers to be installed and toilets offered as a reward to dorms where every student scores high honors grades. Some students couldn’t contain their excitement when the news was heard and one student was reported to have physically torn half a page out of his secret diary. The school’s student body decided to throw Exeter’s first night time dance party in celebration. However, teachers soon heard of the student’s rebellious scheme and suggested that an English breakfast was more fitting for the occasion. Another renovation soon to come is a change from the “Goblin Green” fluorescent light bulbs to “Gangster Blue” flickering lights in various hallways. The plan is to create an alley-way theme that promotes gang related violence and drug dealing so that students can toughen up “and keep those high honor grades coming, backed up by a new sense of gangsta toughness,” one school official said. Along with this, the school has also released a statement saying that they will change their computer center from the well used 156KB memory computers to high tech windows operating systems storing up to 256MB in memory. “Intro to Computers” class will also be introduced. The call for the change came when a student attempted to destroy a computer after being told that his documents were located inside the computer. Teachers said the upgrade will also prove significant in stopping students from using white-out on the screen to fix errors. Some more minor changes include the installation of doors to each student’s cell and a rise in tuition and other fees from $450,000 to $550,000. Parents embraced the fee change stating that the extra $100,000 will stop them spending large amounts on school ties and scarves. The only protestors to the recent renovations are the athletic faculty who still, after 200+ years, demand funds for the athletic department, which is still struggling with its $15 budget.