The Eighth Page

Pipa the Papa

Upper year at Andover… You think it’s pretty hard, don’t yah? You think piles of work and lack of sleep actually mean something. You sit at your desk and watch downloads for 3 hours, then do four math problems and suddenly you just had 3 hours and 10 minutes of homework. Life is so rough. Well try jumping into Mr. Pipa Wetzel’s world! Just last week, Pipa, an upper from Texas, discovered that he is now Pipa the Papa! The transforming moment occurred when he received an email from the Mailroom informing him that he had a package. The email read, “You have received 1 item in the mailroom. From: The Stork. Type: Homo Sapien.” Excited and a bit confused, Pipa raced over to GW, where he presented his Blue Card in exchange for a heavy cardboard box containing a twenty-pound, androgynous infant! Yowzers. At first, Pipa, now more discombobulated than ever, simply tried returning the shocking gift, but after a series of arguments and unsuccessful trials of Rocks, Paper, Scissors and Thumb Wars with the packaging clerk, Pipa grudgingly brought the obese todler back to his dorm. What was he to do!?! As if he didn’t already have enough trouble keeping up with his Spanish 100 workload, he now had to support a child too! Overwhelmed, Pipa wept, oooh…he wept. Fortunately, however, Pipa was naturally optimistic. He toughened up and decided to deck out his dorm room with baby essentials: roof ornaments, a baby changing station, finger censored and 5x optical zoom video baby monitors, a dancing pole, two baby showers and a pram. He even built a sidecar for his Razor Scooter so that that he and the nameless child could bomb down Main Street to snag some lunch as father and son/daughter. Pipa Wetzel even founded the club, “Andover Student-Parent Society”, which consisted of Pipa and his favorite action figure. He had not slept for three weeks, but gosh darn it, Pipa Wetzel was happy. And as for baby names, he has narrowed it down to four, one of which will be selected when the gender of the infant is determined using a method of identification that has yet to be determined… The names: Abercrombie or Pipa Junior for a boy and Rain Drop or Pipa Junior for a girl.