The Eighth Page

Get Your DNA Here!

Come one, come all, to Crazy Pete’s DNA Hall! Here you’ll find the finest collection of DNA pills an expecting mother can buy. All you have to do is pop one pill during the first few weeks of pregnancy, and your unborn baby will be endowed with abilities you won’t even be able to comprehend. Step right up and explore the wonders of genetic engineering! 1. First up, we have the Icelandee Baby, a pill specifically designed to make your baby fluent in Old Icelandic. Have you ever thought to yourself, “Wow, I really wish there was a way for my baby to be born fluent in Old Icelanic?” If so, your prayers have been answered! We created this concoction by putting random chemicals into a pill and testing it on lab rats. We were trying to create a pill that could let people grow cat whiskers; to our great surprise, the lab rats began conversing with each other in Old Icelandic. We don’t know how on earth it works, but hey, why question something this cool. Warning: side effects include growing cat whiskers. 2. Next we have the Goo-Goo-Glow-Glow. Have you ever been afraid that you will have trouble seeing your baby in the dark? Fear no more! With this little sucker, your baby will glow a fluorescent green every time the lights go off. No more wondering where your baby is! And nightlights? Your baby is now its own night light! 3. Have you ever caught yourself wondering “I really wish my baby could breathe fire?” Have we got a treat for you! The PaciFIRE pill allows babies to breathe scalding hot flames to their little hearts’ contents! Whenever your sweetheart opens up his or her mouth, out will come a stream of fire! How should I heat up the bottle? The PaciFIRE. What’s the most fun way to roast marshmallows? The PaciFIRE. Oh my gosh, honey, why are you covered in bandages?!?! The PaciFIRE!!! 4. Do you want your baby to have a leg up on the rest of his peers? Well, here at Crazy Pete’s DNA Hall, we have a problem with taking things too literally! So we created a pill called the Leg Up! With this pill, your baby will be able to do something that no other baby is able (or would want ) to do: grow an extra leg! Not only is it extremely helpful in the classic picnic game “three-legged race,” but it also functions as a quality conversation starter! Colleges these days are looking for candidates who offer something different. What’s more distinctive than an extra leg? You do have your child’s future to look after, and doing the right thing has never been so easy. Call Now!