The Eighth Page

Teachers, Faculty Outraged as Students Continue To Say Cluster, not Intramural, Soccer

After dangerous, highly competitive and downright rowdy conduct in Cluster Soccer, the administration decided a change needed to be made. When faced with the question of “Why the switch to intramural?” the administration quickly repsonded that over 60% of all students who had played in a cluster soccer game had been admitted to Isham’s Intensive Care Unit over the past two years and of those uninjured, 90% had been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

And, thus, the Cluster Soccer name was banished, and Intramural Soccer was created. Now teams are created at random, but don’t worry, at least they used a TI-84 randomization formula to create the teams.

However, despite these innovations students continued to call it Cluster.

“How dare you speak the name?!” one Andover teacher remarked, shaking his head. Another teacher elaborated, “Do they remember the terrible tragedies associated with cluster soccer?”

The situation seems to be reaching a fever pitch, as fears over the future of Andover are rising. Teachers and faculty are worried that the continued use of the word “cluster” so close to the word “soccer” could be catastrophic. The future of Andover sports is in jeopardy, and no one knows what could happen if people do not stop this madness.