The Eighth Page

Phillips Academy Public Safety Log (9/23)

1. Many people have been complaining about the lack of Lucky Charms brand cereal in the cereal dispensers at Paresky Commons. In reality, the Academy has been covering up the fact that the entire stock of Lucky Charms has been stolen. Commons has always suspected a clan of devious raccoons whose mission is to cause cereal-based chaos. However, that may not be the case. Late last Saturday night, while most students were at the bumping video dance, PAPS went to investigate suspicious activity going down at Commons. 4’ 8 Irish PG Brandin O’Camball was caught fleeing from Commons with giant pot of Lucky Charms cereal. When PAPS officers Ferguson and Williams shouted at the culprit, he immediately fled, screaming, “They’re after me Lucky Charms!” PAPS chased him to the Gelb parking lot, where he then shouted, “Marshmallow power, away!” and rode a marshmallowic shooting star into the distance. Although originally upset, the athletic department didn’t seem to mind too much, as they hadn’t expected O’Camball to be that much of a force on the basketball court, anyway. 2. PAPS was once again called to Paresky Commons dining hall last Tuesday evening in an emergency situation. Ascending the right staircase, which was littered with exhausted looking students PAPS officers Taboo and Apl.D.Ap approached the drink dispenser area. What appeared to be a giant mass of freshmen filled the interior area of the dining hall. It appears that the students on the floor were dying of thirst, as they couldn’t access their precious beverages due to the mass of freshmen blocking their way. What’s worse, they appeared to be out of chocolate milk. The density of the freshmen was so great that they all blended together to form one super freshman, a swirling mass of gossiping, giggling and gurgling. PAPS dispersed this clot of freshmen by emulating the sound of an ice cream truck outside, at which the freshmen ran giggling out of the hall, eager to get the Choco Tacos before they ran out. The victims were eventually revived, but not before PAPS had helped the Commons workers refill the chocolate milk. Like the dementors from Harry Potter, the best way to recover from an encounter with freshmen is by consuming chocolate.