The Eighth Page

Diary of a Freshmen House Counselor

Dear Diary,

Another year about to start and I am once again left to ponder why I even do this. Each and every freshmen house counselor that goes through the system is left shaken, disturbed, and scarred for life.

What is heard in these hallways cannot be unheard. What is seen in these hallways cannot be unseen. What is smelt in these hallways cannot be unsmelt.

But this year will be different, for I have cometh prepared. I will show them that they, unlike the young and brilliant Miley Cyrus, can very well be tamed. It’s alway gonna be an uphill battle, but this one I’m determined not to lose. If these prepubescent tweens think they can get the best of both worlds and just party in the USA then they are simply wrong.

Shock therapy was a consideration, as were frontal lobotomies, but I decided that good old-fashioned intimidation and cougar tranquilizer would do just fine, and be much more cost effective. The stone-faced don’t-you-dare-ask-me-another-stupid-question face normally wards off a few of them.

For the more hyper ones, there is the tranquilizer I put in the brownies I give out at the start of the year. There’s enough tranquilizer in one of those brownies to take out a bear for three days, so it should settle the boys down to a respectable level. I’m still at ends as to whether I should sound proof each room, because I feel like that would be a total waste of these new Bose noise cancellation head phones I just bought. I hear they’re great for airplanes.

I personally have had enough with the stink bombs, toilet paper wars, and other pranks like the wet mudslide, the dry crocodile, or even the famous cookie crumbler. Just thinking about the way those cookies crumbled makes me shudder.

Whether I weather this storm is up to these last few. I have always believed that preparation is key in everything, and maybe I am taking this a bit too far this year, but you know what they say: high-schoolers aren’t real people.

– Hemang Z Kaul