Once again, it’s that time of the week. That time when, although I despise it, I settle down at my computer so I can answer your stupid questions so I can at least put something on my college apps. Well, here goes nothing.
Q: Hi Fitz! There’s this boy in my history class and I think he’s really cute. Sometimes we make eye-contact and smile at each other. All my friends tell me he is really shy, so I think that is why he hasn’t talked to me yet. Is it okay for me to make the first move?
-Horny in History
A: Dear Horny, who do you think you are? Do you have any respect for the social structure? This isn’t amateur hour Horny, this is the big leagues. You want a boy, you bat your eyelashes and bite your lip when he looks at you. If he hasn’t talked to you already, he probably thinks you’re ugly, or at least not up to his standards (most likely ugly). My advice? Get pretty.
Q: Dear Fitz, I just got out of a really long relationship with this girl I am convinced I am in love with. She broke up with me out of the blue. Every time I close my eyes, I see her smiling face. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and my studies have been going down the drain. Every girl’s laugh sounds just like hers. I find myself crying in the middle of the day, and I can’t turn off the faucet of my soul. I feel like if I don’t vent out my frustration, I might do something crazy. What should I do? Is there someone you know that I can talk to?
– Suicidal in Sam Phil
Q: Fitz, buddy, I need some advice. My best bro has this new girlfriend that has really taken up a lot of his time. She’s not even that great a chick, but he’s always busy, and when he’s not with her he’s texting her. I just want my good friend back. How can I say this to him without coming off wrong?
– Tentative in Taylor
A: Jesus chief, cry me a river. Everything is about you isn’t it? As soon as one thing goes wrong in your perfect little life, you have to cry and start asking for advice. You know what you should do? Write to someone who cares. I for sure don’t. I’m tired of hearing of everybody else’s problems! Does anyone care how my day was? It was terrible thanks for asking. I’m failing chemistry, and I’ve got this weird rash on my leg that won’t go away. No matter what I do! I’ve seen every dermatologist in town, all to no avail. Does anyone have any advice? Anyone at all?
– Fitz / Pearson Goodman