The Eighth Page

Whiny Smurf Population Expresses Disapproval of Blue Key Head Auditions

A minority group in the Phillips Academy student body has boycotted and protested a time-old tradition: Blue Key Head auditions. Apparently the painted fools that run, jump, dance and sing around Commons every spring are a source of serious mental anguish for the resident Smurf community.

The Smurf population at Phillips Academy is commonly overlooked by most Andover students and Faculty. After the notorious trampling incident of 1986, the Smurfs were moved to their own residential area in the Sanctuary. There, a series of small mushroom shaped dorms are overseen by house counselor Papa Smurf.

“It’s easy to forget about us because of our size, but people forget that we are still here and have feelings. The dozens of kids prancing around Lower Right covered in blue paint seems mocking to us and makes us look like fools.” said Papa Smurf.

“Yeah we might dance and sing, but we never imitate animals, serenade or basically look that stupid in general. It is insensitive performances like this that convey negative stereotypes about us smurfs.” added Smurfette.

The Smurf Coalition picketed in the lobby of Commons during the auditions, suffering a few casualties due to stray feet and people carelessly throwing their backpacks on the ground instead of using the cubbies.

The Coalition submitted their petition to the deans, but unfortunately they were not able to find a microscope strong enough to read the document, which was written on a piece of confetti.

This is not the only instance of the Smurf Coalition fighting tradition. They refuse to recognize Phillips Exeter Academy due to their derogatory use of the word “smurf.” Grouchy commented, “The word in itself isn’t a slur. It’s the tone in which you use it.”

One faculty member commented, “They’re lucky and should stop complaining. Nothing helps more on college apps than checking the ‘Smurf’ box when asked which race you identify with.”