The Eighth Page

Tragic Mini-Moto Pileup in Quads

Earlier this week, high-speed horror shook the Phillips Academy community when several speeding faculty children crashed their mini vehicles into one another. The pileup was one of the greatest catastrophes ever witnessed on the playground next to Commons and involved four miniature cars, a miniature motorcycle and a miniature 18-wheeler. Emergency responses took longer than expected due to the fact that Joey, a four-year-old witness to the tragic accident, had left his toy ambulance back in the quads. Luckily, paramedics have reported that the major injuries, which include three booboos and at least five scratches, might be healed with kisses, lots of Neosporin and several Spongebob Band-Aids.

Faculty parents, now living in constant fear of a repeat accident, have begun heated arguments throughout campus about the cause of the accident. One teacher was overheard exclaiming, “It was little Timmy’s fault! Ever since he got that miniature Lamborghini, he’s been racing around at a little under 2 mph. That’s WAY too fast!” Other witness statements further indicate that Timmy’s reckless speeding was the primary cause for the accident. Charges will be pressed, and Timmy may face a sentence ranging from a temporary ban from the swings to restricted monkey-bar privileges.

Hopefully the faculty children will recover from the devastating tragedy, and relief efforts have already begun. Donations will be received to aid the victims. The head of the relief effort, five-year-old Mikey Smith, has spoken out, informing the public on appropriate donations. “The poor children were seriously injured. Please send candy. I…. I mean, they, really need candy to get better. Preferably Snickers. Seriously, I heard those are good.”

Please, donate today and help the faculty children recover quickly.