The Eighth Page

The Changing of the Guard CXXXIV

News. Serious business. These wise-guys like to think the newspaper revolves around them. As if people actually read the paper for news. They say, “You can’t spell newspaper without News.” These dummies think that the paper is all about them and their stupid section. Well, this just in: teamwork makes the dream work. Everyone knows that Features is the section that actually carries the paper. Who revises every article in the paper? Who sends it out to print? Well…Upper Management. But we make them laugh while they do it. Lighten up. Boom, roasted. As you can see here, Upper Management has jumped right into the tradition of “No Sleep. No Lives. No Fun.” If you ever think that your life is hard, all you have to do is look at these guys and WHAM-O! Instant self esteem boost. Notice the copious abuse of energy drinks to supplement their 22 hour workdays. As the team tries desperately to get some sleep, Max finishes his Math-661 homework, reciting all of his theorems out loud. Can someone fact check what he is saying? Can you even “fit all of the information of the universe into a particle?” What does that even mean? Anyways – have fun not having fun! Boom, roasted. While Commentary consistently tries to express their opinions with hopes that people care, they forget that nobody wants to listen to the hyper-conservative or far-FAR-left views of angsty teens. Thea and Derek are experts, however, at spitting back, word for word, their parents’ political views. Derek said, “I usually say something remotely liberal to my father, let him rant, and take notes. Instant Commentary gold.” Boom, roasted. Sports writers live for the spirit of competition. But in the competition for the section editors, well, I guess we can’t even call it a competition. All four associates are stepping up to the plate and are ready to take a swing at telling you what games you missed over the weekend while you were cramming for your chemistry test. Everyone wins! Except for our sports teams! When we asked Anthony what his job consisted of, he said,“Well, we will spend most of our time brainstorming new synonyms for ‘win and lose’. It gets harder every year. We’re hoping the new Upper Management won’t be opposed to the use of the words ‘slaughter’ and ‘annilihate’ in our headlines.” Jamie, as the editor with the most varisty letters on the board, has assumed the leadership position. Many worry that she has gone a little to far. Her newly instituted “dress code,” consisting of volleyball shorts, has drawn plenty of attention. Blake complained, “She says if I mess up on the layout, she’ll ‘spike my face so hard I’ll need a colonoscopy to remove the fragments of teeth I’ve digested.’” Have fun guys! Boom, roasted. Arts. Genocide. Torture. Hang-nails. The things we hate most in the world, in that order. While writing this very section, we vomited three times and had several bouts of uncontrollable crying sessions. Upper Management had to force us to be in the same room to get a picture of these…humans. Arts is artsy. In order to be artsy, you must be hipster. Not only do we despise hipsters, but these “people” have to pretend that they’re hipster. Look at these $@#&%!* wannabe hipsters. Read Arts for the lavish praise of an impressively mediocre piccolo recital or a new way to scramble the egg you grab upstairs five minutes before first period. Boom, roasted. Never before have we laid eyes upon a bigger group of scrubs. And at Features, we don’t want scrubs. Scrubs are the kind of guys that get no love from us. While they try to deceive you with their athletic attire and construction boots, don’t be fooled. This is the most unauthentic posse ever assembled. They might have thought that this would be the perfect position to slap on the old college apps, but Joe, expect a phone call from Duke about taking such a joke of a position. Boom, roasted. Those who are talented write. Those who can’t write, edit. Copy lives for our mistakes, and they never hesitate to tell us when we make them. Have fun being cramped underneath our top ten. *Note from Copy Staff: The next few sentences of this paragraph were SOO riddled with grammar mistakes and spelling errors, we just decided to omit them. Its good to be the last ones to look at the paper. 😉 * Welcome to the new regime of Features! For the next year, we are going to blast your eyeballs with pure comedic-genius. We will quench your thirst for laughter with our elixer of wit. We will quell your insatiable hunger for hoopla with our stuffing satire. And who are we? That’s something we’ll gladly tell. You know you love us. Xoxo. Gossip Girl. The Features Editors: Colton Dempsey and Ricky Goldstein