The Eighth Page

Featureleaks: Andover’s Secrets Revealed

Reference ID: L0L4DW1N Created: January 27, 2011 Classification: Confidential Origin: Head of School Chase’s private files Subject: Trustees Hate Snow, Love Grass Dear Mrs. Chase, I am writing this letter on behalf of a group of outraged trustees. Consider this a warning: do not heed our advice and you might as well forget about having handicap-accessible ramps in Bulfinch. Our complaints are thus: Phillips Academy is neglecting its grass. Look outside! Piles of snow are killing our beautiful grass and you stand idly, bystanders to this genocide. Grass should be the institution’s highest priority. Indeed, what are we without our luscious grass? Nothing—save for the Addison. What should be done? The school ought to allocate all of its funds to ensure that the grass is maintained by any means necessary. We recommend a mandate requiring all students to shovel the snow off the grass. Where would the snow go, you might ask? Somewhere nobody would miss, like Pearson or the Brace Center. We hope you take our proposal into consideration. As it currently stands, the Academy fails to meet our lofty standards for what an elite New England prep school should stand for, yet this problem can be easily remedied. Thank you for your time, The people who really run this school Reference ID: 1OT744#D Created: February 1, 2011 Classification: Classified Origin: Letter from Dean XXXX to Dean XXXX Subject: Snow Day XXXX, Operation Silverback Gorilla was a collosal failure. All of our resources have been depleted beyond a point where recuperation would be possible. We must cut our losses and silence all who are aware of our doings, most notably XXXX. Due to the negative externalities of our failed operation, a substantial portion of the subjects experimented upon will not be physically or mentally prepared to teach classes. I propose that we declare tomorrow a snow day as to avoid suspicion from students and other faculty. Do not worry, our time will come. -XXXX Reference ID: AA7R3MI4 Created: November 4, 2010 Classification: Confidential Origin: Phillips Academy’s special task force the Blue Berets Subject: Operation Griffin Claw Blue Berets: Gunga Leader to HQ. Come in HQ. Gunga Leader to HQ. Over. HQ: We hear you Gunga Leader. Over. Blue Berets: HQ, we’ve arrived at one of the most desolate and depressed regions in the known universe: Exeter, New Hampshire. Over. HQ: Have you collected any samples of the inhabitants of this bleak sector? Over. Blue Berets: We have gone undercover as students and have thus been able to approach the inhabitants. We have collected specimen from around the prison camp only to find that their once human minds have been mutated into only being able to perform a very simple work/sleep routine. Very simply, they are geeks. We believe these once-humans have been reduced to their current state from years and years of abuse. Sleeping cells, which are barely large enough to house one person are home to up to six nerds and we have yet to find any bath facilities. Over. HQ: This is good stuff Gunga Leader. How about the natural conditions of the area? Over. Blue Berets: HQ, to be honest, I don’t think they could have chosen a worse location. There must be some divine curse that causes it to rain…every. single. day. Wait a second…I hear something. *screaming* HQ: Come in Blue Berets! Blue Berets: There are too many of them! The sheer number of geeks! HQ: This is a school that is beyond hope Gunga Leader. There is nothing we can do for this one. Retreat! Reference ID: QP73I61W Created: February 17, 2010 Classification: Confidential Origin: Phillips Academy Alumni Phone Records Subject: Provocative dancing a.k.a. “Grinding” Trustee XXXX: This “grinding” phenomenon at dances has gotten out of hand. Put an end to it. Dean XXXX: I assure you, we can handle it. Trustee XXXX: You have failed me one too many times, minion. Need I remind you what we had to do with Dean XXXX? Dean XXXX: MADE HOUSE COUNSELOR ON THE THIRD FLOOR OF TAYLOR. THEY WERE TORN TO SHREDS….LITERALLY! Of course sir, I understand. Please, tell me what you propose. We have tried everything! Trustee XXXX: You will just have to stop accepting good-looking students. If they aren’t attracted to one another, there will be no more dirty dancing. Dean XXXX: But we’ve been doing that for years. Don’t you remember Project Pizza-Face? There are hardly any hotties or studs. Of course a few slip through the cracks, but they spend most of their time working on the humor section for the Phillipian. They don’t get out much. Trustee XXXX: Then get the teachers to physically stop them. Leave “room for Jesus.” Dean XXXX: We have tried that too. It worked for a little while until we were forced to call off the operation when a teacher was trampled during a particularly rowdy mosh to “Sandstorm”. Trustee XXXX: Don’t worry, the board and I are working on microchip implantation. Soon we will control our students’ from their motor functions to their most carnal urges. Reference ID: PIP93#W1 Created: December 12, 1834 Classification: Confidential and Old Origin: Letter to students from Dean Johnson Subject: Shenanigans from students Dear Students, With the founding of Abbot Academy several years ago, much has changed around campus. There have been incidents of indecency, public drunkenness and lackadaisical sporting performance. We have had to inflate grades considerably to ensure all of our graduates are able to attend Yale. In short, you, the students, are having too much fun with the respectable ladies down the hill. This needs to stop. From now on, all contact between the two campuses will be stopped. There will be a 10-foot fence separating the two schools, manned by faculty members who will stop any attempted crossings, with force if necessary. Any students caught rule breaking will face probation and will be banned from attending an Ivy League School. I hope this punishment will serve to caution anyone who thinks that fun is more important than admission to top universities based on the pedigree of Phillips Academy. On an unrelated note, I did not appreciate the defacing of my stallion and oldest companion, Cornelius. Painting him completely blue was not only disrespectful but also hazardous to his health. I demand that the culprits come forth and pay for the treatments needed to extract the large amounts of lead from his system. That is all. Honorably, Osgood Johnson December 12, 1834