The Eighth Page

Your Costumes Have Feelings Too

Snow White As a Disney Princess, I am used to being loved. Clearly everyone loves me, as I am the most superior Princess. Being the fairest of them all, it outrages me to see children running the streets in my clothes. I am the only one who will ever look good in them. And the teenage girls using my costume for sex appeal… despicable. Those lowly commoners will never be as pretty as I am. How am I to be revered as the most beautiful girl of all time if people associate me with these ugly children? Captain Hook Halloween is the worst. Every year kids dress up like me, with little plastic hooks, and go trick or treating. They think it’s some game, but they don’t know how hard my life is with only one hand. I thought that when I reformed and left Neverland, my life would be great. But I was wrong. These kids run around laughing and hooking each other every year. But they don’t know how hard it is. Every morning I spend 15 minutes just trying to put my socks on, and I have to buy 18 ply toilet paper! These kids just remind me of the Captain’s life I once had. Green Lantern Why does no one ever dress up as me? I have the coolest powers: I can conjure up whatever I want just by wearing a ring. Who wouldn’t want to be me? And who doesn’t want to wear a giant black and green one-piece leotard suit? Why would you dress up as Frodo? My ring is way cooler! I’m in the Justice league just like Batman and Superman and that hottie Wonder Woman. I’m just as cool as anyone of those guys. We’ll see how you like it when I drop out. Who’s going to make the coffee now?