The Eighth Page

Insider Story: Andover Squirrel Tells All

For nearly a millennia the Munchezon-Nuttz Dynasty has lorded over the treetops of these deciduous forests. We are a proud people, skilled in both the gathering of nuts and the hippity-hopitying that has become ubiquitous with our species. Yet we are now marginalized members of society, marginalized by a bunch of hypocritical tail-suckers who call themselves “human beings.” In as polite a tone as a squirrel bereft of his rights can utter, I say: “This sucks nuts!” Only in recent generations has the human being become a thorn in the side of our lithe, furry bodies. These particular beasts (ironically, they label themselves the leaders of tomorrow… I wish I was kidding) have ignored our civil liberties as rightful owners of this land as granted to us by the Red-Tailed Hawk Committee in 153 BC (Before Chipmunks). Humans arrived with a sense of supreme entitlement and thus proceeded to strip the land of its valuable tree and nut-related resources, crippling the Munchezon-Nuttz Dynasty. For all their supposed intellect, these beasts fail to see their own hypocrisies, which are too lengthy in number to ascribe in this solitary address. Yet for the sake of a cogent argument, I will highlight one particular human behavior that really busts my nuts: the seemingly unconscious debasement and eviction of the squirrel population. Consider this absurdity: the typical human considers the squirrel to be a “cute” animal (of course, this romanticism overlooks the competitive nature of, duh, nature) and will, on occasion, feed us delicious nuts provided that we grovel before them and put on our most innocent face. Yet these same humans have deforested our homeland in order to put in—please, you should sit down before you read this for your own safety—grass. Are you kidding me? Grass? Last time I checked, these creatures lacked the proper digestive system to eat grass, so unless they are raising cattle there is no apparent reason for the installation of worthless grass in the place of life-giving trees. Furthermore, these idiots must spend a fortune on establishing, primping and maintaining the grass, which, I should remind you, they cannot even eat. To add insult to injury, they are not even allowed to walk on said grass. If they are not tasting or touching the grass, we can only assume they enjoy looking at the grass. Looking at grass? They must be nuts! If only they could look beyond the grass at the silent suffering of the Munchezon-Nuttz, a proud people who have been exploited, endangered and enraged. Here’s my final dictum: revenge shall be had. Sure, they might have more advanced technology, but lets see how they respond to rabies. -Robert Palmer