The Eighth Page

Famous Animals: Where are they now?

Shamu – Devolped a taste for human blood after a training mishap and subsequently was put down after the “Swim With Shamu Day” disaster. Flipper – Got too old for flipping, turned to performance enhancing drugs but was caught. Mumble from “Happy Feet” – Had career ending dance injury due to icy conditions. After a lengthy stay in the hospital, he returned to Antarctica and is currently the head choreographer for Happy Feet 2. Lassie – Ironically stuck in a well. Baloo from the Jungle Book – Nobody has seen him since he ate Mowgli. Taco Bell Chihuahua – Recently diagnosed with severe intestinal problems because of one too many chalupas. Slated to be the the secret ingredient in Taco Bell’s “Chihuahua Supremo”. Garfield – Diagnosed with diabetes and is also legally obese. The movie put him through some really dark times and he battled with heroin addiction. Free Willy – Nobody has seen him for four years except one seal who also hasn’t been seen since. Bambi – Bambi recently turned to hard drugs to cope with the loss of Thumper. Seabiscuit – Now is only used for his genetics. He doesn’t mind this job. Kung Fu Panda – Moved to Chinatown in New York. Teaches classes in kung fu, taekwondo and neo-conservative policy. Nemo – He and Dory eloped to the Great Barrier Reef. Michael Moore – Passes himself off as human. Writes, directs and films movies about American politics. Budweiser Clydsedales – One developed a gimp in his leg and was euthanized. The others are in Alcoholics Anonymous. They aren’t very Anonymous. Winnie the Pooh – Continues to be mind blowingly awesome. The Lady & The Tramp – Currently in the midst of a very messy custody battle. Tramp doesn’t stand a chance. Geico Gecko – Like we need to tell you. Turn the TV to literally any channel at any time. He’ll be there. Mickey Mouse – In jail on charges of child molestation stemming from an incident at Disney World. We still believe he’s innocent. A court date is pending. Benji – Who the eff is Benji? Simba – He’s starred in several sequels but is still looking for work. Was an extra in “Dinner for Schmucks.” Squirt (Sea Turtle from ‘Finding Nemo”) – Did you see the last X Games? He beat out Shaun White for the freestyle half pipe and won the gold medal. 101 Dalmations – There are only 46 left. A moment of silence if you will. One of Those Owls from That Owl Movie That’s Out Right Now – Apparently at your local theater. Scooby Doo – Feeding off of Scrappy’s success as a defense attorney. The years since the Mystery Gang’s breakup have been hard. – The Features Staff