The Eighth Page

A Formal Complaint: From the Animal Kingdom

Greetings from the Umbobo of Magonkawiwi, Lord of the Animal Kingdom. We have prepared a list of demands from the various animals of the world. First and foremost, the raccoons wish to issue a note of appreciation and a request. They approve of the massive quantity of garbage that humans produce: raccoons see their growth and expansion as tied to the ability of humans to produce waste. Although they are happy to have a stable economy and food supply, raccoons wish that more people would leave their curtains open and televisions on. They have a pretty intense fantasy football league going, and it is difficult to stay up to date without opposable thumbs. Second, we have a message from the squirrels. We have a well-researched report indicating that more than three quarters of squirrels, seven-eighths in urban areas, can’t go on the ground without some ninkumpoop trying to grab them. I mean seriously, are you guys all freaking five? Those squirrels have kids to feed, and it doesn’t help that some idiot intent on capturing them yet doomed to failure gets between them and the nearest tree. Please refrain from harassing the squirrels. It does nobody any good. Third, the dogs insist that humans cease dressing them up in ridiculous clothes. They maintain that simply because humans overcompensate for their hairless physique with impractical and unnecessary accessories to the point that Lady Gaga is allowed in public, it does not mean dogs should suffer with them. Dogs hate boots, coats, hats, sports jerseys and, most emphatically, fur coats. Please stop, it’s silly. Lastly, if you could refrain from destroying the planet (or at least let us in on the profits) and shooting all animals larger than a breadbox on sight, we would be much appreciative. At the first congress of animals the only human nation to receive commendation was San Marino, and only then because they have no environment or animals to maim. With that, we bid you adieu. We look forward to negotiating with you on the rights of pigeons to poop on black sports cars. -Robert Langworthy