The Eighth Page

Who’s Afraid to Beg (Or Kidnap)?

Dear Mr. West, Hi. My name is not important, and I have a proposition for you. Please don’t just throw this letter away because it may or may not be a ransom note for Cassius Clay. I am on the Student Activities Board at Phillips Academy and would love for you to come perform here. You must be thinking, “No. I would rather attend the VMAs again than go to Andover, MA.” But just think about it for a second. Your image has been somewhat tainted by making Taylor Swift cry and having a general “I don’t give a trendy, New York crap” attitude. Well, what better way to boost your image than having a little philanthropic concert for some kids in need? Alright, I’ll keep it short. I know how difficult it must be to have those ridiculous patterns shaved into your head. Peace, Anonymous P.S. We have Cassius Clay. If you don’t perform a concert for us, we will make him wear something conventional. You have two weeks to decide. Mr. Justin Bieber, Hi! I’m totally one of your biggest fans. Oh my god you’re so hot I can’t handle it. I would move to Canada for you, but who’s that Ludacris guy you did a song with? I think you should do your own thing and not help other artists out. you’re too amazing to be dragged down by wish-wash. Anyway, I was hoping you would come to my school and perform for us. Everyone here loves you! Cause you’re so fabulous! Please please please come! xoxoxoxo, Hailey Help us Dane Cook! I go to Phillips Andover Academy, and am tasked with brining an entertainer to campus to help make this the third week running without a boredom-related death. After I gave up on that, I started looking for a hypnotist, and I have to say I am really impressed. Most hypnotists only hypnotize select members of the audience for ridicule, but you get them all and record the results for the true audience that lies behind a computer screen. It’s rare to find such talent coupled with a soul dark enough to do what you do. The heinous acts that you make those under your complete control are simply appalling. The way you force them to laugh at the grotesque parody of pathetically physical, C rate, small town comedy club comedy only intensifies my respect for you as a disturbed genius. I understand that you may be reluctant to appear at Andover, afraid that your sense of humor might be too edgy or obscure for high school students. I can assure you though, the kids here at Andover really need a good laugh, and the complete debasement of their peers should give them a lift. Please, for the sake of our sanity, perform for us this weekend. Yours Truly, Bobby