The Eighth Page

Freshmen Missing After Orientation: No One Really Cares

A group of freshmen boys went missing last week after following a man disguised as a blue key. The boys, who were last seen following a young man wearing a red West Quad North blue key t-shirt, have been missing since Sunday afternoon. Search parties were organized on Monday after the boys missed sign-in on Sunday night. In a statement Tuesday, a member of the Dean of Students Office commented on the use of a blue key shirt. “Although this is the first time a blue key has been impersonated in order to kidnap students, the Dean of Students and the Director of Student Activities have always taken precautions against situations such as this one. This year we intentionally misspelled the word “Academy” in an attempt to spot imposters.” It is unclear whether or not the mystery man was in fact wearing an official blue key shirt, or whether his shirt was fake. Aside from the reports of the shirt, descriptions of the man have varied. Some witnesses swear the man was bearded with long hair, while others say he was clean-shaven and bald. The only points of consensus among witnesses seems to be that the man was at least fifty years old, raising the questions over why freshmen would trust a fifty year old man dressed in tie-dye. When news of the missing boys reached parents, many were quick to comment. “I blame the tie-dye t-shirts. The only people who wear those things are either from San Francisco or Hippies,” said one father with a crew cut, “why would this school ever want their students to dress like that.” One mother took the opportunity to vocalize her latest plan; “This would have never happened if the school listened to me and collared all the freshman. I’m telling you, a combination of GPS and shock collar would solve all of this school’s problems.” The names of the boys have yet to be released by the Dean of Students, “for now we are just using phrases and sentences from their applications to fake e-mails home and hoping their parents buy it. We hope to find the boys and never have to tell their parents.” As the search for the boys continues into its second week, the Dean of Students asks all members of the community to be on the look out for the man or anyone wearing a blue key shirt with “academy” spelled correctly.