A new freshman attempted to sit at a table comprised entirely of seniors on Saturday and lived to tell about it. Bobby Beavers ’14 entered Lower Right on Sunday and surveyed the dining hall with wide eyes. He noticed a table of seniors with a seat open and decided to join his more experienced piers. What ensued put Beavers in the ICU at Isham and caused several seniors to miss out on dessert. Although Beavers could only communicate via blinks, we managed to deduce the following quotes in response to our questions about the ordeal; “I thought I would sit with my Blue Key and ask him a few questions. I didn’t know that he would attack me. At first he was just hitting me over the head with his BBQ ribs, but then his friends started to help. Before I could run or call for help, the rest of the seniors in Lower Right were wiping off the table with my face and stuffing napkins in my ears. I don’t remember much after that, but PAPS told me that they watched the rest of the senior class take turns using my body as a Frisbee. I think I just had a bowel movement.” We asked the seniors why they ganged up on Beavers, and one responded, “It was weird. I felt like I was a mother bear and the table was my cub. Instinct just kicked in. Haha, ‘kicked.’ We did a lot of that.” Another senior said, “Freshmen need to know their place at PA. We were sending a message. And I hate beavers. Not because of their big teeth, but those flappy tails. I hate them!” The school has yet to respond in any disciplinary way to the seniors’ actions. One administrator said, “Who cares, they’re just freshmen.” -continued on Q3
