The Eighth Page

Features is Feeling (Super)Heroic

Hipsterella Costume: Lensless glasses, obscure band t-shirt, leggings, oversized headphones, and a digital camera that automatically makes all its pictures look like Polaroid pictures. Powers: Hipsterella can throw vinyl records with deadly accuracy (but only popular records), quote songs no one has heard of, and she can summon three hipster friends to help her at anytime. Weaknesses: Mainstream music, clothing that covers more than 75% of her body, parties with more than twenty people, a real job, sports. Secret Lair: Loft in Brooklyn paid for by her parents. Day in the Life: Hipsterella spends most of her time walking around Brooklyn looking for evildoers. She makes an effort to swing by her favorite record shops and search for records that she knows haven’t come out yet. At some point she takes photos of herself catching bad guys in the park and then writes inside jokes on the edges of the fake Polaroids. The New Age Superhero (NAS) Good deed: He fights evil with his serenity and dissembles his foes with quotations from Eastern philosophy. Costume: NAS can usually be seen wearing a simple earth-tone robe with headcover and real, handmade moccasins. He also is often seen smoking a hand-carved 17th century tobacco pipe. Biography: An introspective boy all his youth, he attained enlightenment at the ripe age of 14. He spent the next three years meditating in a park, entering a state of unparalleled tranquility and understanding. Although he can often be found converting thieves and cheaters to lives of peaceful contemplation, the anchoring force in his life has always been his dog, Siddartha. The Handy Man Primary Power: Ability to help anyone with anything. Secondary Powers: He can run forever. Ways to Recognize: The Handy Man is regularly spotted in libraries, helping people with homework, homes, helping people find things, and Africa, helping solve world hunger. He often is spotted running from one person in need of help to another. If you need him, you can call him at his hotline, 1-800-HEL-PYOU. Best Assistance Provided: He helped to stop WWII by providing psychological assistance to the US, USSR, German, and Japanese leaders. Outfit: He can be found wearing a pair of overalls, a toolbelt, and a yellow cape. He also wears work boots and a hard hat, so he can help in any situation. Alex the Great Origins: Alex was your normal kindergartner until a game of hide and go seek went haywire. Alex hid out in a vat of radioactive chemicals at his town’s local nuclear power plant. After winning the game and receiving treatment for his minor third degree burns and relatively substantial brain damage, Alex told his parents he had gained the ability to fly. The only catch is for some strange reason he cannot do it while anybody is within eyesight of him. He swears he can do it, though. Our special boy. Abilities: Well, we still don’t know if he can fly or not, but we are still amazed at what he can already do. Just by telling people he can fly, he already has a cult of toddlers and even kids as old as first graders following his every order. Alex hasn’t made one piece of macaroni art since his transformation, but he hasn’t flown yet either. His followers however swear that when they all look away from him he flies. One of them was quoted saying, “When he says it’s otay to look again, his hair is all messed up, just as if he had been flying through the air. Got to go, it’s nap time.”