The Eighth Page

A Day in the Life of a True Hero

Spiderman wakes up at 11:30 am and gets ready for his usual day in the life of a superhero. He gets up, brushes his teeth, takes a shower, and removes the three Russian hookers from the foot of his bed. He can’t drive because of his many DUI’s so he calls his state provided driver to take him to his alcoholics anonymous meeting. After the meeting he goes to his favorite strip club that was named after him called “Night-crawlers”. Last week the manager yelled at Spiderman for “webbing all over the girls,” so he has to be on his best behavior. Feeling incredibly inadequate, Spiderman goes home and watches all three Spiderman movies to boost his confidence. Five minutes later he realizes that Tobey Maguire was chosen to play Spiderman and gets depressed even more. At the lowest point since killing his best friend’s dad (yes, it was partially his fault) the Green Goblin, Spiderman drunkenly stumbles over to Mary Jane’s palace in the Hamptons. Mary Jane is obviously worried about Spiderman growing violent so she calls down her husband. The husband threatens to call the police if Spiderman doesn’t leave and proceeds to call Spiderman a “drunken eight legged bum.” Spiderman insists that although he is part arachnid he does not have eight legs and that Mary Jane’s only son is his. The husband downright denies this as his “son” is seen crawling down the side of the house. Spiderman has won this battle and walks into the road. He gets hit by a semi-truck and is immediately brought to a hospital, but there is nothing that they can do. The doctors say he’ll never web again. -Sloan Kettering -Ricky Goldstein