The Eighth Page

Prom Fun Facts

The “Leave Room for Jesus” Rule was deemed unconstitutional in the famous 1987 Supreme Court case Sexually Frustrated Teenagers vs. Saint Christopher. Just like your father, prom will let you down. Studies have shown that, on average, a girl attending prom will take 7,302 photographs of her, her friends and/or her date. The guys in this photo shoot will feel as comfortable as a moose at an NRA meeting. Seventy-two percent of girls over-do their hair and makeup for their most momentous high school occasion and end up looking like Rosie O’Donnell in a two-piece. PROM is actually an acronym that stands for “Pleasurable Recreation fOr Mormons” ?Chuck Norris invented prom. B*tch. No one has ever looked back on prom and said, “Man, do I regret buying all that ecstasy!” Ferris Bueller did not attend his prom. He is way too cool. Prom is best when it’s allowed to stew until 100-degrees, then sex happens everywhere. Prom is like Lindsay Lohan. It’s exciting but always ends up a disaster… And also has to wear an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. In his 2007 thesis, Harvard professor Larry Finkelstein proved that prom is a figment of your imagination. Sophie is not going. Neither is Jesse. Or Yost. Call us. George W. Bush didn’t attend his Andover prom. He was always worried about his date’s nucular weapons. Prom was a lot less fun before Abbot became a part of PA. Gingers were not allowed to go to prom until 1985. That was a bad year for everyone.