The Eighth Page

A Prom Dialogue: When Your Alcoholic Cousin is Your Last Option

….Phone rings…. CHASTITY: Hello? AARON: Hey Chastity, it’s me, Aaron. CHASTITY: Hey Eric! How’ve you been? I haven’t seen you since Aunt Debbie’s wedding. AARON: I’ve been good, and it’s Aaron. Remember? Your cousin? I have a question. What are you doing next weekend? CHASTITY: Probably meeting with my probation officer about my recent DUI. Did those second graders crossing the street honestly expect me to stop for them? You can’t stop for children when you’re being chased by cops with a kilo of blow and a trunk full of illegally smuggled South American tropical birds in your trunk. I’m lucky they didn’t do a cavity search, though. But I’ll probably skip it. What did you have in mind? AARON: Well it’s my senior prom, and nearly everyone has a date. I was going to go with the school nurse, but she backed out when she realized she would miss an airing of Housewives of New Jersey. I have nowhere else to turn. I need your help. CHASTITY: Oh, of course. I’ve been going to prom with people for years after I graduated. I don’t charge much, but if you want my full service it will cost extra. I don’t normally do incest. AARON: I think we may be on a different page I just- CHASTITY: When is it? AARON: It’s next Friday. CHASTITY: What time do you want to pick me up? I usually spend from six to eight arguing with the staff at the local Chuck-E-Cheese. They say that the ball pit cannot be used as a lavatory, but I like to think otherwise. From there I’ll probably pass out in the handicap bathroom of a Carl’s Jr. AARON: It starts at eight. Do you think you could possibly move around your busy schedule? CHASTITY: Sure, anything for a cousin. AARON: Great, see you then. Prom night: Aaron finds Chastity passed out on the curb near a pawnshop. She is wearing red fishnets, platform heels and a ballerina outfit. Balloons that say “Daddy’s Little Girl” are tied to her wrist. AARON: WAKE UP!! CHASTITY WAKE UP!! CHASTITY: José, no more. I can only take so much! AARON: It’s me, Aaron. Wake up! Why are you asleep on the street? CHASTITY: Oh shoot. I forgot that it’s your birthday! Ok, well luckily I’m already dressed for the occasion. AARON: It’s my prom but whatever. Just get in the car. CHASTITY: (Clearly drunk) Whee! Are these car seats expensive? AARON: Probably. Why do you ask? CHASTITY: Nevermind…don’t breathe through your nose. Or at least crack a window. AARON: Oh Jesus! What is that smell? CHASTITY: Can I borrow a pen? AARON: Why do you need a pen? CHASTITY: Can I borrow ten thousand dollars? The happy couple arrives at the prom. CHASTITY: This is stupid. You said this would be a rave. I wouldn’t have taken so much ecstasy if I had known we were going to a horse race. AARON: This is my PROM. What is wrong with you? CHASTITY: What a pretty horse. Chastity begins to pet one of the teacher chaperones. -Colton Dempsey and Ricky Goldstein