The Eighth Page

Rise in Allergies Fuels Anti-Green Fires: Mother Nature Tops PA’s Hit List

A recent increase in pollen and other allergens has lead to a surge in anti-green sentiment on campus. The increase in allergens, brought on by the blooming of the campus’ trees and flowers, has caused a wave of runny noses, itchy eyes, and hives. With so many students and faculty suffering, a witch-hunt to find someone or something to blame has taken hold of campus. A resounding number of students have found a guilty party in the form of nature. “It’s clear who is to blame,” said one freshman, fighting to speak through a waterfall of snot, “it’s all the damn trees and flowers on campus.” Many students seem to share the opinion that nature is to blame. With the recent emphasis on the “Blue Goes Green” campaign, many students have found a target for their anger and frustration. “I recycle, I turned off my lights during Green Cup Challenge. I even went paperless for a day,” said an upper in Isham for allergy related symptoms, “and what do I get in return? Blood shot eyes and loogies the size of golf balls.” In the past week, the formerly small club, Anti-Eco-Action, has seen its numbers skyrocket. Faced with an increase in membership, the club is rushing to meet the growing demand for club events. “In just the next week, we are planning a burning of the Great Lawn, a scavenger hunt that requires participants to spray historical trees around campus with defoliants, and a day when all students can empty an entire aerosol can into the air,” said club president Gaius Violeur ’10. While the majority of students support the movement, some tree hugging hippies remain dedicated to saving the Earth. Members of Eco-Action have launched their own series of club events to counter those of their rival club. The events, which include reading books to tress, petting blades of grass, and interpretive dancing inspired by the life cycle of earthworms, have not been met with the same enthusiasm as those of their rival club. When asked what she thought of the planned Anti-Eco-Action events, Eco-Action Co-President Stacy Green yelled, “we feel that spring term is meant to be a time to cherish our campus, not burn and desecrate it.” Despite the almost militant fanaticism of Eco-Action, the vast majority of students seem to side with Anti-Eco-Action. “I plan on burning grass until my eyes stop itching,” said one Lower. “If someone told me that I could get rid of these hives by clubbing a baby seal and bathing in its blood, I’d do it,” a quarantined senior girl said. Not all students are motivated by the recent surge in allergies; some are simply using the anti-earth craze as a means of letting out repressed anger. “I’ve wanted to pave over the Vista ever since that stupid “Story of Stuff” All School Meeting. That speaker just made me want to hurt the Earth,” ranted an anonymous Upper. With such widespread hatred of the Earth, long time promoters of going green in the community are struggling to control their feelings. An anonymous Environmental Science teacher was seen weeping over the ashes of the “George Washington Tree,” a tree that formally stood outside the Oliver Wendell Holmes Library and was said to have provided shade for the First President. “It is a sad day when the scheduled Commencement speaker works for DuPont Chemicals,” sobbed the organizer of the Green Cup Challenge. “I can’t believe the school is letting this happen.” While some faculty side with the Eco-Action, most support the new movement. “The way I figure,” droned a member of the math department, “we are saving millions of dollars by getting rid of the grass instead of mowing it every other day.” A meeting between the leaders of both clubs is scheduled this weekend in order to determine whether burning down all of Pine Knoll Cluster will replace the traditional “Upper Spring Fling”.