The Eighth Page

Prom Horror Tales: Broken Hearts Only Part of the Story

Prom season is afoot here at Phillips Academy, and we took it upon ourselves to find out what goes on during this lust-filled time. Many seniors are put under the immense pressure of asking their dates in elaborate ways. The typical act of getting your friend to call their friend the night before because you were too embarrassed and/or set your standard too high doesn’t usually cut it. However, it is possible to go too far with plots to ask your dream date. Anthony Jamison ‘10 suffered multiple fractures, a ruptured spleen and a broken spirit after a stunt last Sunday asking Susie Lemona to prom.? “I knew I had to go big asking Susie to prom,” said Jamison. “I hardly know her and she is way out of my league, so I had to compensate with a highly dangerous and illegal stunt. I got the idea for the hang-glider off of a show called ‘Adrenaline Junkies.’” “It wasn’t too hard knocking the custodian out to get his keys, but I never expected hang-gliding to be so complicated. It also would have helped to be strapped in. After I crashed, I thought it was worth it because Susie must have seen, but unfortunately she was spending her 4th lunch ‘practicing piano’ in Graves with a PG. Don’t worry though, I’ll probably be able to move my limbs by graduation.”? Unfortunately, it was at that time that Anthony got the message that he had been expelled for assault and intent to harm one’s self. He remains optimistic, however, that Susie will come to visit him in the hospital, or maybe at home once he is discharged. Another tragic case of Prom fever was that of Michael Rotch ’10. “Sarah and I had been dating for a few months and I came up with, what I thought to be, a great way to ask her to prom,” said Rotch. “I planned a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant where I surprised her with her favorite treat, homemade carrot cake. Inside, I hid a silver locket engraved, ‘Michael + Sarah= Prom?’” “Unfortunately, Sarah was overzealous in eating the cake, and unfortunately the locket got caught in her throat. Luckily, the 250-pound Italian waiter Bruno was familiar with the Heimlich maneuver. After only 5 minutes of thrusting, 30 seconds of Bruno’s partner Miguel reaching down Sarah’s throat, and a few broken ribs, the locket finally flew out of Sarah’s mouth.” “Luckily, the locket was intact, but unfortunately I did not get a straight response because the police detained me for the night. For some reason, Sarah was pointing at me screaming, “HE TRIED TO KILL ME!!!” I guess I’ll try again tomorrow…”