An outcry unheard of since the famous “Wounded Walrus” scandal has erupted on campus as Uppers have denounced the Senior class for their insincere attempts to graduate and move on to college. The Uppers feel as though their Proctors and Captains are abandoning them in the midst of the time when they need each other most, in the midst of the “Upper gauntlet: Upper fall and Senior spring.” “I can’t believe [my proctor] Jane,” said Julianna Krysalawt ’11, “It’s so unlike her to just desert me like this. Whatever will I do?” A feeling of uneasiness and helplessness has permeated through all of the Upper class. Students have described these feelings as “a pit of blackness in my soul” and “like chainsawing a newborn puppy.” The Seniors have been, for the most part, surprised at the outrage over their graduation. “I don’t know what the deal is,” said Larry Thomas ’10. “This has never happened before. When ’09 left us, I was just all like, ‘good riddance bros.’ But, man, those Uppers are pissed at us.” And they certainly are. “We are so pissed,” said John Smith ’11. There is no question that the Upper class is certainly disappointed and angry with their Senior classmates, but why is a much more intriguing matter. “They’re just leaving us. Just like that,” said Smith. “Poof. Gone. No goodbye. Just leaving and going onto college. Who goes to college anyway? Losers. That’s who. Did Bill Gates go to college? Yes, he did. But, did he graduate? No. And he’s a nerd anyway.” “We all need someone to lean on,” said Krysalawt. “But, they’re abandoning us just as we need our strongest crutch. What a bunch of f&@%* d*$#&(!” “Graduation? I didn’t even know what that was until last Thursday,” said Lionel Clean ’11. “Might as well call it ‘Leaving the people they love and running away.’ This is like the time my parents tried to leave me at that Chuck-E-Cheese in Missouri.” Finally, administration and faculty have tried to address, “what now for the class of 2011?” How to proceed with such a crisis has never been considered so both the class of ’11 and the faculty must forge a new path. “What to do next,” asked Krysalawt. “It’s on the mind of everyone in our grade. I guess we have to lobby for a 300-person PG class to mentor us. It’s drastic, but it’s necessary.” “The PG recruitment idea has been pitched around a lot,” said Clean. “I think it’s a little crazy. We can probably survive without the Seniors. I’m more angry at them than worried about how to proceed.” Whether or not the proposed PG recruitment plan goes through, Andover will have a different face next year. And it will be a teary, crying one. “Those Seniors meant so much to me,” said Smith. “It is so heartless of them to just leave us. But, what am I going to do? Honestly. I’ll probably go cry in my room for a week. Maybe see Graham House for counseling. But, it could be worse… No. It couldn’t.” “Wahhhh!” said Krysalawt. Such despair is echoed by many other Uppers, and it’s safe to say CVS will have to restock on Kleenex in the coming days.
