Normal people just look at stuff and see it for what it is. When I look at stuff, questions magically pop into my head – what is it made of? Where did it come from? Where is it going? Some people thought I should see a psychiatrist. Others told me that obscure abilities like these make it onto NBC’s Heroes. But I took a different path. I wanted answers. My journey took me to every country and every company ever known to Earth – big and small, tiny and giant, smaller and bigger, more small and more big, biggerest. After 10 years of extensive research, I have reached some groundbreaking revelations. My conclusion is this: Americans buy too much stuff. We buy stuff we don’t need. And the world is going to end. Now, some critics say that they could have figured that out in 10 seconds. Or they insist that nobody would even bother to figure out something so obvious – it’s as if someone actually investigated the Jonas Brothers and their purity rings. They scream at me, “Why bother?” Well, I bother because I wanted big numbers to confuse people…er, I mean the truth. After all, 95% of uninformed Americans could not identify EPA’s acronym. My findings show 97% of non-recyclables thrown in the recycling bin cannot be recycled. Another recent study shows that only 2% of unusable household products are used daily. The same study also reveals that less than 1% of perfectly functional toys received use after a lead poisoning recall. Even on this beautiful campus, your physical plant notified me of the students’ disregard for the environment. 80% of freshmen insist on using electricity because they want to stay in their rooms all day. On Andover/Exeter Weekend, 99% of students with face paint claim to have bought a product they will only use once. In a focus group, only 5% were willing to recycle their newspaper as toilet paper. Of this 5%, none were willing to wipe with Features, even to save the planet. My message has some enemies that hate change. Which means they hate Obama. But that’s neither here nor there. Racists. You can have faith in my fair judgment when I say that those big business-right wing-conservative con artists are liars. They will try to trick you with big words and statistics. Having met 80% of them, I can call them liars from an unbiased standpoint. Ultimately, remember who to trust – after all, 95% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
