The Eighth Page

Prospective Students

FAQ’s (Frequently Asked Questions, idiot) Q: What kinds of support systems does Andover offer my child? A: Training bras and jock straps are all that come to mind. Q: How safe is the campus? A: Imagine a third-world country in the middle of a civil war that is subject to a hostile alien invasion and overcome by communicable diseases. Now, imagine your child is J-walking in that country. That’s the opposite of Andover. Q: What is a typical day like at Andover? A: Well, most students start by sleeping 15 or so minutes into their first class. After leisurely strolling into the class, a student will most likely begin to fantasize about a life not consumed by hours of work. Once all hopes of escaping this learning environment have subsided, students will actually pretend to learn stuff. Q: Is their a dress code at Andover? A: Naw, dawg. Q: What is their to do on weekends? A: Students are provided with a myriad of activities in which they can both have fun and remain pure from the modern rebellious tendencies of today’s youth. For more information, see the article entitled “A Crazy PA Weekend” in the Features Section of The Phillipian. Q: How do students do their laundry? A: This question can be best answered with another question: How the hell do you think every other person in the world does their freakin’ laundry? Soap, water, the whole shebang. Welcome Newly Admitted Students! Congratulations on your acceptance to Phillips Academy. You are cool enough to have the opportunity to become both sleep-deprived and a frequent user of SparkNotes. This journey on which you are about to embark is so insane that you probably just pissed yourself thinking about it. Once, you are all cleaned up, why don’t you meet some of your future classmates? classmates. A talented mathematician from Brooklyn, New York named Chris is one of the most promising new uppers entering Phillips Academy next year. Chris has calculated the number of times that he can impersonate his mother and take advantage of her welfare account. He ambitiously plans to commit fraud over 100 times before he turns 18! Brandon is an incoming postgraduate planning to enter next year’s Senior class. Brandon spent the past summer in Angola broadening his horizons and learning about other cultures. He caringly wanted to help his new friends, so he brought a large amount of the Rufilin drug to help out his new “bros.” He commented, “That summer all of my friends got some.” This caring and unselfish young man hopes to positively contribute to the Phillips Academy community in every way he can, including “throwing ragers in my dorm room on the reg.” Considered by many to be the next Albert Einstein, Jacob just wants to lead a normal life as the world’s most prominent nuclear fission specialist. Apart from splitting atoms on weekends, Jacob enjoys skateboarding and making wallets out of duct tape. Allie loves surrounding herself with old people. When she isn’t volunteering at her local retirement home, she loves to perform open heart surgery on both cadavers and the occasional comatose patient. Luckily for Allie, she can combine both her volunteer work and her hobby in the same building.