The Eighth Page

Student Goes Gone: A Features Reporter Investigates

Once upon a time, at Phillips Academy, there was a lower named Will Hung. Where in the world is Will Hung? We have grappled with a solution to this problem since his departure, and it continues to haunt our darkest nightmares. Has he vanished off into the ancient mountains of Korea, continuing his tutelage under the hidden ninjas? Or is this brave warrior back at the international karate competitions making a grand comeback? Finally, answers have begun to trickle in. A intensive team of FBI agents hired exclusively for this article is sharing, for the first time, the results of six months toiling all over the globe. Please enjoy these eye-opening revelations about the boy who once walked the same paths that we do today. First, it appears that Will Hung did indeed return to his roots in Seoul. There are sources in the region who have confirmed sightings of the caboose-kicking bandit in action, stealing fried rice from the rich to feed the poor. You could call him an Asian Robin Hood. But his adventure takes a tumultuous turn. The secret police of North Korea tried an assassination attempt, knowing full well the potential power that Will Hung possesses. Thank the high heavens that he survived. Barely. He could no longer show his face in public. As a result, the common man’s hero fled to whereabouts still unknown to this day. All these events lead to confirm the second suspicion: that Will Hung reassumed his ninja training. We cannot be sure, but one heist certainly raises eyebrows– worthy only of the fantastic abilities wielded by Mr. Hung. It began three months ago. One unidentified student returned to his dorm only to discover that his glorious pimp cane had been stolen. One week after the purported theft the pimp cane reappeared in a perming salon from the back alleyways of Chinatown in California. Coincidence? We think not. Last of all in his adventures, the ninja morphed into a legend. Now skeptics will question how our investigative team learned such minute details. They say, “Oh, how can one trust ninjas of the 540 Tornado Kick Fellowship?” Or they insist, “The perm barbers of backside Chinatown are all out just to scam you! Not that I’ve been…” Fortunately, this investigation held much higher standards of authenticity. We hope this account has shed light upon Phillips Academy’s unsung hero. He lives to fight another day. Next time you flip to CNN and see a baby saved, or tsunami evaded, look for a glimpse of the LAW. But remember, whether you see him or not, he’s still there. -Brandon Wong & Joe Kruy