The Eighth Page

Swine Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

A “change” promised by President Barack Hussein Obama came to fruition over vacation as the bill for health care reform finally made its way through the Senate. Americans who share my mind set watched helplessly as Republicans did their best to hold this bill down like a greased pig at a state fair. Unfortunately for President Obama, he has underestimated the grassroots organization that has become known as the Tea Party movement (not to be confused with the gay nightclub in Providence that goes by the same name.) Hours of research on a trusted and often underused website known as Wikipedia have led me to a conclusion that is frightening and anything but American. Much to the foil of President Obama, I have discovered his secret weapon. He has created a dooms-day machine to bring about the liberal reformation that will destroy this great nation I’m proud to call home. Once a commie always a commie. While Obama may have read The Communist Manifesto, I have read the American equivalent, a document so profound that the very basis of freedom and justice rests upon it. Though only a collection of papers, this document is truth and it is Americanism. It is the very basis of liberty. School children learn of it, veterans think of it, and politicians often debate it. That’s right folks. I’m referring to Rush Limbaugh’s magnum-opus The Way Things Ought To Be. This book was to me what crack was to Whitney Houston; an addiction. For the past four years, I have submitted myself to the mind of Mr. Limbaugh, and now the apprentice becomes the master (not in the sense that Anikan fought Obi Wan, think more along the lines of Michelangelo and Ghirlandiao). Given my hours of research, I will reveal something so profound, it will make your bed rock. I postulate that President Barack Obama created swine flu to help propagate his liberal socialist agenda during his time in the White House. Let us examine: Would President Obama have had such an easy time criticizing the American health care system without swine flu? I think not! It is clear that Obama needed this disease to fuel allegations that our current medical system was ineffective. It is my personal belief that home remedies have been made to become obsolete, and wrongly so. Is there honestly any disease that a little chicken soup and some chamomile tea can’t cure? Not only has this pandemic helped to pass health care reform, but also it served another purpose. The reason why the Left chose a pig as their sacrifice… the Israel situation! The Jewish left, which historically basked in the liberal sun, benefited significantly from swine flu. During the epidemic, who didn’t wish they were Jewish? Suddenly, years of Sunday morning bacon brunches didn’t seem like the most attractive way to spend one’s weekends. During the height of Swine flu, pastrami sales doubled and corned beef on rye replaced ham and cheese as the national sandwich of choice. Rahm Emanuel certainly looked credible. Again, I submit that Obama and the folks in his administration created this disease. This hypothesis is a reality and to deny it would be blasphemy. The communist color Obama holds so near is red, and the house he lives in—white! What do you get when you mix red and white—pink! What color is a pig—pink! We are slowly being indoctrinated with pinko (a term for a hybrid of communist and capitalist) ideology and it is only a matter of time before we all have to have an equal share of bacon, even if some of us worked harder for it.