The Eighth Page

Unprecedented Juggling Monkey Enters Presidential Race

In a shocking twist of events, a juggling monkey has entered the race to become the student body president. While nobody is certain about the monkey’s credentials and legitimacy besides his juggling abilities, students are excited about the new candidate. Mike Kinlan ’11 said, “I think this juggling monkey could win it all. It all comes down to the final speech and he’s a hilarious dude. I mean, honestly, who doesn’t want to see a juggling monkey? I might actually go to those stupid student council meetings if Juggling Monkey was there.” While much of the student body has thrown their support behind Andover’s newest candidate, the school’s administration remains skeptical. The Head of School commented, “The fate of this juggling monkey remains to be seen. I’m concerned that he may start flinging poop around and that is certainly not behavior befitting of this institution’s president. At the same time, Phillips Academy strives to be accepting of all people and animals.” The student body is not the only group lending its support, as PETA has made its presence felt in the race by marching down Main Street carrying hemp posters with catchy slogans such as “Get funky: Vote Juggling Monkey” and “Need laughs without fail? Juggling Monkey has a tail.” When asked for comment, PETA leader Doug Spam said, “The hip trend in America is change. There’s a black man in the White House and Congress passed universal healthcare. For the last 232 years, this school has had a human student body president in order to propagate their animalist agenda. I think Juggling Monkey is the right candidate to end this alarming streak.” Despite the excitement about his candidacy, Juggling Monkey could not be reached for comment, and it is believed he is residing in Taylor Hall for the time being. It is also rumored that Juggling Monkey is connected to Colombian drug lords and has the reputation of being a womanizer. Nevertheless, many students are adamant in their support of Juggling Monkey. A strong supporter of Juggling Monkey, John Hartmen ’11 said, “I think I speak on behalf of all students when I say that we vote for whoever has the funniest speech. If they can make me laugh every Wednesday, they have my vote.” Expanding upon Hartmen’s sentiment, Hannah DuBrow ’10 stated, “I’ve been at this school for four years and I think the school presidents might have accomplished negative work. At the very least, Juggling Monkey spices things up with his unpredictability. I mean, for Christ’s sakes, he’s a juggling monkey.” However, some students have refused to support the new candidate’s bid for president. In rebuttal to DuBrow’s words, Greg Labadini ’11 said, “I agree that the presidents never accomplish anything they set out to do, but I can’t in all good conscience vote for Juggling Monkey. I can’t vote for a candidate that plays with its own feces.” Other candidates have refused to comment publicly about Juggling Monkey, but one anonymously said, “Obviously, I’m not going to accomplish anything, but am I going to get into Harvard because of this? You’re damn right I am.” With the race heating up and the media swirling around Juggling Monkey’s head-scratching campaign, the student body can agree on this: the president won’t do anything.