The Eighth Page

Rain Batters Northeast

The rain continues to ruin lives and depress students. Weathermen predicted rain, but no one expected a downpour of this magnitude. Buildings around the school have experienced water damage and leaks, and sprays of water through weak window screens are interrupting classes. The croquet team has also severely suffered from the rain. “We had to stop play because of our croquet balls. Our balls were way too slippery and wet. We tried to grab our balls, but they were so moist and slippery that they slipped out of our hands. This has been affecting many croquet teams across the East Coast,” said croquet captain Rudolf Singer ’10. Seniors across campus are disappointed by the bad weather that is dampening their Senior Spring spirits. With activities such as Senior Spooning and Tenni- Golf approaching, they all hope that the weather will take a positive turn. Although the rain disappoints these seniors, it has also had a devastating effect on the school’s worm population. The worms merely wished to live peacefully on the stress-free and calm Phillips Academy campus. Thousands of worms have died and their mangled corpses litter the sidewalks of Phillips Academy. Students are struggling to make it to classes without stepping on the vast piles of worms. Numerous foundations such as “How to Save a Worm” have gained momentum. A community outreach has been extended to our squirmy little friends. Sources say that the three final presidential candidates plan to deal with this worm epidemic. This large issue seems to touch the hearts of many and has served as a controversial topic in the upcoming election. “We must perform a worm evacuation to save these gentle creatures from the approaching hot weather. We must return them to theirs homes of the deep underbelly of this school,” said one of the candidates, Homer Gibson ’11. The media is calling this travesty the Great Worm Massacre of 2010. Leader of the “How to Save a Worm” Foundation,said “We have been making efforts to save these worms, but the defibrillator pads were unfortunately too big, and we ended up frying their tiny cylindrical bodies.” If you are interested in donating to this noble cause log on to In addition, if you are interested in adopting one of these worms as a pet, feel free to go and pick one up at any outdoor location around the school.