“The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena… It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience.” – Carl Sagan Nearly a fortnight ago, as I gazed wistfully at the starry night sky, I pondered Mr. Sagan’s musings from the comfort of the plush leather seats in my Porsche. As my butler Jeeves fed me delicious morsels of chocolate-covered gold, I came to the obvious conclusion that Mr. Sagan is a senseless ignoramus that has no sense of perspective. You see, Mr. Sagan didn’t realize that my father owns the stars in the sky. My father is very, very successful and is far more successful than your father. But enough bragging about my outrageously successful father. Let’s move onto the most important matter of discussion: me. And trust me, I will be successful. Anyone with the last name “Chaddlesworth” is going places. There is so much to look forward to in my life. After my education at Andover, I am sure I will be successful in whatever field I toss my feathered hat into, be it Congress, the Presidency, or supreme dictator of the Milky Way Galaxy. No goal is too large for me—especially when you have an important father like I do. Sometimes, I am encumbered by my own knowledge and success. When I have the misfortune of visiting other schools for such trivialities as those ribald athletic competitions, I cannot help but look down upon those lost souls, who float like a rubber ducky in a tranquil pond of ignorance that is their inadequate lives. I sometimes feel bad for them because they don’t have fathers who are as successful as mine. I bet the only bright part of their otherwise dreary day is when they remember that someday I will lord over them. I realize that not everyone can be successful and intelligent and wealthy and powerful and famous and that I currently am. Still, I sometimes need to be reminded of this fact by those other students, or as I like to call them, vessels of mediocrity. The other day I was marveling at the unfinished Addison Art Gallery when one of my jealous peers asked me, “why did you come to Andover?” Of course, I slapped him for talking to me without being addressed first, but then I considered his question. Why had I chosen Andover when I had so many other options? Why not skip high school and go to college? It did not take me long to answer this questions with a long, winded response that featured a myriad of SAT-caliber words half of which he probably did not know. By the end of it, my envious chum was on the verge of falling asleep, but my answer was clear: I am awesome. Percy Chaddlesworth III is a new Upper from the richest part of New York, NY. He claims his farts smell like roses and cinnamon buns. Surprisingly, he has few, if any, friends. Also, his father is very, very successful.
