The Eighth Page

Economy Causes Faculty Desperation

The recession has affected every person, every country, and now, despite our protective bubble and supportive parents, even Phillips Academy is getting hit hard. The entire faculty at Phillips Academy has taken a “can-do” mentality and is coming up with ideas to save money and the endowment. The first sign that helped the board realize that we were “strapped for cash” was upon the completion of the Addison art gallery. “We were very happy about how well the gallery turned out. After the millions of dollars and very careful planning, we missed one small detail. We currently have no funds, however, for any art to put IN the gallery. Our faculty is very creative, however, and we are looking at some very cost efficient sources for our pieces,” said Mr. Thornton, Chair of the Art Department. Young faculty children have volunteered their drawings to the gallery for low prices. These pieces come in all sorts of mediums, including water colors, markers, play dough and even uncooked spaghetti. The exhibit is called Paintings by Prepubescents. Two of the most popular pieces are by Jimmy Ericson. One is a simple marker drawing, with something that looks like an airplane or maybe a cactus. The other one is entitled “Mommy, I don’t like it” and consists of spaghetti sauce and baby food thrown all over a tray. Jimmy will be receiving his pay in the form of shiny things and Legos. The faculty’s next idea was not a popular one among the student body. From now on, all bathroom stalls will have coin slots installed, and students will not be able to open them unless they deposit fifty cents. “You would be surprised how much money we waste using the bathrooms. Countless gallons are flushed away when students sit in the stalls to break up monotonous classes or cry or do other stupid things. We will also be charging an additional twenty-five cents for toilet paper. Wiping is a privilege, not a right. These students must learn that,” said a campus custodian. And the changes do not stop there. On Tuesday, the faculty held a car wash, where students had the chance to watch their tenured professors clad in outdated bathing suits wash their automobiles. They did not even come close to their goal of three million dollars, however. It was a problem that only five percent of the student body actually owns a car. “It was a real shame we didn’t quite make three million dollars. We were really hoping to be able to do a renovation on Pearson as the seven students who use the building were complaining that it was too old. I blame our failure on the fact that we forgot that most boarding students don’t have cars, but we will take it in stride, and put our thirteen dollars and forty-three cents in the bank and continue to save up,” said Instructor in History Mo Wiener.