“Courtney, this is not a democracy. It’s a cheerocracy. I’m sorry but I’m overruling you.” – Kirsten Dunst in Bring It On. Over spring break, I spent my time re-watching classic films like White Chicks, Bring It On and Harry Potter, snorting comic amounts of Ritalin, and playing polo and croquet with my nanny. For a long time, I’ve considered my presence here at Andover an incredible privilege, but my break reinforced this notion. Whether it was my Sunday morning game of golf or my Thursday day trip to Boca Raton, I spent my break relaxing and enjoying myself. While PA is not an environment that is conducive to such a lifestyle, it is one that affords us the same privilege via our extraordinary education. Which brings me to my real point, Andover is not a democracy, it’s a cheerocracy. What does this mean? If you don’t understand, I’ll do my best to explain it so that any common ruffian could understand. You’re welcome. Andover is one of the more competitive schools in the world. It is filled with people from every corner of the globe, who all have diverse and incredible talent. Leo Fung, on UrbanDictionary.com, defines democracy as “four wolves and one lamb deciding on lunch,” with the italicized example, “Democracy is unfair at times.” While Fung’s definition is far from perfect, he has a valid point. Democracy is unfair. Winston Churchill is known to have said, “Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” Machiavelli, as well, recognized that there is no good form of government, but he came to another declaration. He thought absolute monarchy was the most effective form of government. Churchill and Machiavelli stand on opposite sides of the spectrum, but, luckily, high school girls have since invented the cheerocracy—the only form of government that can truly solve all world issues. The universal acceptance of cheerocracy will result in world peace and the end of poverty, hunger and AIDS. What precisely is a cheerocracy, you ask? Well, I’m not exactly sure, but I know that the peppiest, blondest, meanest senior is the cheertator and she gets her damn way. Upon coming to these infinitely important realizations, I came aware of another even more important truth. Please gather your breath before I drop knowledge like a clumsy librarian. The ultimate truth that I came to was this: the reason American politics are so messed up right now is because liberals are becoming more leftist and conservatives are moving to the right. New age hippies and born-again Christian fundamentalists are fighting a war through their politics. As the divide and partisanship become more intense, so does the rhetoric, as we have seen following health care legislation. Obviously, the only solution is right under Kirsten Dunst’s nose: CHEEROCRACY. Which led to me one final, all-important conclusion: Tiger Woods is the devil. Only whence we accept these revelations can we truly succeed as a culture and a planet. I know I may have left you with more questions than answers, but that is good, because I can then answer your questions with snooty rhetorical questions of my own. If you don’t understand, then you simply cannot match my superior intellect and you must follow me as sheep do a shepherd. Peace. Kunta Kenzino is a one-year Lower from Antananarivo, Madagascar.
