The Eighth Page

A Disconcerting Letter Home . . . From Your Son’s Kindergarten Teacher

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Applebomb, Hello. It’s me, Mrs. Caulderhill, again. Unfortunately, I’ve been having more problems with your son Jonathan. Nothing that I do seems to stop him from misbehaving. I have tried it all: I have changed the seating around so that his desk is placed in the corner of the room facing the wall, I have arranged it so that he eats lunch alone in an isolated math classroom. I even took away all of his weapons, including his number-two-pencil-spear-of-death and his ultrasticky tape of containment. I am out of ideas. I simply do not know how to respond to his acts of terror against the classroom. Today, Jonathan crawled around the room, taping the ends of all of the girl’s hair to their desks. He then switched the signs of the girls’ and boys’ bathrooms. After which, he snuck into the cafeteria kitchen and poured laxatives into today’s special, the sausage, mushroom and bean stew. As a result, little Tommy had to be excused from school after his explosive diarrhea, which soiled his new seersucker pants. After all that, he returned to one of his very first acts of disruption by pulling the fire alarm. It is my displeasure to inform you that today is not his worst day. He has been getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do to get him on track. I have begun to keep a log of his misbehavior, for legal purposes: December 11th (Our class trip): Today was our class trip to the Museum of Modern Art. The students were put in pairs and sent off to observe the museum. I paired Jonathan with Alexander, a fantastic student and hopefully a good influence on Jonathan. At the end of the day we could not find Alex. Finally, we found him with his mouth taped over, locked in one of the Egyptian mummy caskets. January 17th: In celebration of the recently released movie “Ghost Busters,” Jonathan stole the school’s fire extinguisher and paraded around the school capturing ghosts (the unsuspecting first graders). I told him not to cross the streams, but he wouldn’t listen. February 3rd: Today, when school started, there was a peculiar smell in the school building. When the custodian investigated, he found a bag of days old goat cheese hidden in the school ventilation system. There is no conclusive proof, but I strongly suspect Jonathan because of his choice to bring in his pet goat for show and tell. March 15th: Today, Jonathan taped Saran wrap over the boy’s toilets. (This time Tommy was wearing his new corduroys). May 12th: Jonathan broke into the school infirmary and switched Tylenol with estrogen pills. Young boys who were injured in gym class left the school with enlarged breasts, hurt feelings and cramps. June 7th (Last day of classes): Jonathan sent out a fake email proclaiming a snow day. The more concerning thing is that many believed this despite the sunshine and 85 degree weather. I know this information may come as a bit of a shock to you, but I believe that it would be in the best interest of the school, the students, myself and the general public if Jonathan were to get some sociological help immediately, or be used by the US government as an inside man for terrorist cells. Sincerely, Mrs. Caulderhill -Ricky Goldstein