The Eighth Page

Memorable Winter Olympic Moments: Chills, Thrills and Kills

776 BCE: The first Olympic games are held in Olympia, Greece where Socrates and Pluto are stuffed into a locker by all the cool jocks. 772 BCE: Socrates and Pluto return after training with Ajax and Hercules. They mercilessly kick everyone’s derriere. 1976: Figure skating pair has a mix-up, and accidentally switches partners. “I knew I wasn’t lifting Sheila as soon as I tried to twirl her over my head, and looked up to see a middle-aged man wearing glitter wink at me,” said one of the skaters involved. 1980: In tough economic times, medals are swapped for Hanukkah gelt. “So that’s whose been going into my stash…,” Israel’s Rubinsky said, nodding. 1984: Announcer of ski race mistranslates, leaving spectators from foreign countries bewildered. “This miscommunication resulted in multiple angry phone calls from the native Parseltongue speakers,” said NBC’s producer. 1988: In luge’s first year as part of the Olympic games, twelve sledders die from injuries and the Jamaican team takes home gold. They felt the rhythm, they felt the ride, do you know why? It was bobsled time. 1992: DNA tests show that a skater was actually not a person at all. “Who knew chimps could skate!” said her coach as she uncomfortably tucked away a string with a banana on the end. 1994: Cross-country skier wins gold by cheating competitors on the trail. “I was wondering where all those banana peels were coming from. Usually I don’t slip so much…and I dispose properly of my mid-race snacks,” explained a competitor. 1998: Ben and Jerry write letter of complaint protesting that sundae-making is a winter sport. An athlete said, “This intense sport is not for the faint-of-heart, especially when your sous chef accidentally locks you in the freezer. Now open the door! Please, help, somebody! This isn’t funny anymore now that I’ve eaten all the toppings in here! Plus I’m trapped with my own farts in here!” 2002: Ski racer’s tongue gets stuck to chairlift. “Happens every year,” the lift manager said, shaking his head. His coworker said, “Oh, c’mon Winfrey, that happened to you yesterday!” 2006: Zamboni driver tests positive for steroid use. “Who knew that dude drove the zamboni? I thought he was our goalie!” said a baffled hockey player. The driver responded, “It seemed cool at the time, okay? Plus, it made me drive my ’boni faster.” 2010: Figure-skating becomes the most watched event for the first time in years. A judge tells us the sudden comeback was due to the “emergence of the nude pair skaters” that petitioned to be permitted in the games for the third straight Games. “We figured we better just hurry up and let them go for it before they got too old,” said US figure skating coach Bert Cummings.