The Eighth Page

Admissions Office Declares Class of 12′ to be a “Practical Joke”

The Admissions Office released a statement last weekend acknowledging that the admission of the class of 2012 was a practical joke. “After a couple boring years of admitting the ‘best and brightest youth from every quarter,’ we decided to have a little fun,” said Dean of Admissions Eleanor Rigby. “It started off with one kid. We were sitting around the table reading applications when Penny laughed and sprayed beer out her nose and across the table. It took her a full minute before she could explain that she was laughing at an applicant’s name.” According to Admissions Officer Penny Lane, funny names are common among applicants. “It happens a lot, but usually applicants with funny names have poor applications. How can you do well in life with a name like Homer or Bedilofagus?” she said. The usual response to a funny name was a quick chuckle, but this time it was replaced with a shocking response from Rigby. “What the H-E-double hockeysticks?” she said. “Let him in.” Over the next few days it slowly became clear to the Admissions Officers that they had started something great. “At first it was just kids with funny names, but soon it was anyone we found funny,” said Mrs. Rigby. The pivotal moment came when an applicant who normally would have been rejected due to a history of hardcore drug use in Middle School was admitted because his signature on the application looked like male genitalia. “The signature earned him a spot immediately,” said Admissions Officer Maxwell Mustard, “but when we saw his actual application, including his parole officer’s letter, we really decided that our joke had to be more than just a couple funny names.” Admissions’ goal then became to admit the most ridiculous class possible. “Anything from a funny name, to drug use, to poorly hidden arrest records. We were going for the most ridiculous kids we could find,” said Mustard. When asked if some applicants stood out more than others, Mustard said, “Yeah, this one girl pulled out a mini bottle of vodka from inside her brassiere and poured it into her hot cocoa in the middle of her interview. I’m pretty sure I handed her the acceptance letter right then.” At first, the Admission Officers decided to keep their joke secret from the rest of the administration. “We thought maybe we could keep it our little secret at first,” said Lane, “but then matriculation happened.” According to prefects who were present at the matriculation ceremony, most people noticed something was off from the start. “I remember halfway through Matriculation, two Juniors started getting busy in the aisle,” said a former prefect. “I just wish I could have seen who it was, but all the cigarette smoke made it hard to see.” The records in the Dean of Students Office state that eleven students had already withdrawn or been dismissed before Associate Head of School Courtney Pike had a chance to say “Y’all” in her welcoming speech. The Admissions Office’s acknowledgement was met with a general lack of surprise on campus. Dean of Students Saul Cofee shared that he had suspicions prior to the announcement. “I kept getting phone calls from Admissions asking me about the latest dismissals and disciplinary committee meetings. Every time they called, I could hear someone in the background taking bets.” “Yeah,” Rigby said in response to Cofee’s suspicion, “we had a couple pools running last year. Our biggest one was a draft we had before the year started and whoever had all their kids kicked out first won.” When asked how the student body felt about the Admissions Office’s joke, one student said, “We all kind of guessed it was a joke, it’s just nice that they have finally come out about it.” With the shenanigans of the Admissions Office aside, most members of the community enjoy the class. One senior remembered his first encounter with a new member of the class of ’12; “I was at the Video Dance, and I came up behind this cute freshman girl and said some great pickup line, except when she responded I realized she had one of those fake voice boxes like the Marlboro Man. She turned out to be really cool, though,” he said.