Have you ever been standing at a crosswalk, push the button to get the walk signal, and then someone else pushes the button even though they saw you push it first? It’s as if people don’t trust each other to know how to use technology designed for three-year-olds. I always want to tell the person, “Thank God you came along to push that button. Without you, I would have been standing here all day without any hope.” With people demanding smaller, more efficient products, it is clear that the tie will soon be discarded from most men’s wardrobes. Ties are simply too cumbersome to meet the styles of today’s youth. What will fill its place? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the bowtie. Ever wonder where the nonsensical saying “it’s raining cats and dogs” came from? I bet it didn’t make sense when the first person said it, unless there was a terrible veterinary office explosion. Sad. If you’re incompatible with other humans, lack a high school degree and are prone to getting black-out drunk and causing mayhem, there’s hope: reality TV. Twenty years ago, this wouldn’t have been possible. That, my friends, is called progress. Did the inventor of College Humor think, “I need to make a website for teens who want to procrastinate?” I think so. Ever wonder if anybody actually reads the Arts section? Me neither. For some reason, the internet always slows down at 10 p.m. It’s as if the entire school is trying to watch videos of inebriated puppies on Youtube. Okay, maybe that’s just me. Why is it that parents are still giving babies whiskey to put them to sleep on airplanes? This is the 21st century, folks. Are you telling me Japan can make robots, but we can’t create a sleeping potion for crying babies? That’s a billion dollar industry just waiting to be tapped. Why have Velcro shoes and Heelies gone out of style? I curse myself for not having a pair of Velcro shoes every time I bend over to tie my heavy, time-consuming shoelaces. I’ve always wanted to be on a poster, like the type people keep in their rooms, because the buyer of such a poster must think, “now here’s a guy I want to be reminded of everyday.” Once you’re on a poster, you’ve officially made it in life. Getting tips as a waiter can be a humbling experience. Tips are just assessments in money form. If you’re getting three dollar tips, it’s time to start re-evaluating your life, buddy. The DDR machine in the Den is the biggest tease of all time. As much as I want to make a fool of myself, I’m not paying a dollar to do so. At one point in their life, everyone has wondered, “I think I could make a living as a rapper.” I used to think my weekly allowance of two dollars was awesome, but that probably stopped at the age of six when I learned about free market economics and petitioned my parents for higher wages. Ever spend the late hours of a summer night watching an average movie you’ve already seen five times only to wonder the next day, “Why did I stay up until three in the morning watching “Cool Runnings?” If so, you’re not alone. Why is every other meal at Commons some kind of eggplant? Did the school accidentally order a mass shipment of eggplant or something?
