A blow-by-blow diary of last year’s Head of School Day stolen from a random Lower. He cried, but we took it in the name of good journalism. 5:30 pm – I’m eating dinner at a table with 29 other Freshmen. At this point, we’ve got three people on every chair. They should get bigger tables for us. On a seemingly unrelated note, the table of upperclassmen next to us is laughing at us. God, I can’t wait to give Freshmen hell next year. 5:43 pm – The students rose from their seats when a masked student entered the building wielding a lacrosse stick. Unluckily for the nameless student, eggplant casserole was the main dish of the night and has surprisingly good aerodynamics. 6:13 pm – She came with the field hockey stick! Mayhem and euphoria! I’m so glad for Head of School Day because Freshman winter is so overwhelming. Like, my English teacher told us to read fifteen pages for homework tonight. FML, right? 7:03 pm – My friend is playing BMtron and it sounds so fun. I’ll just play for fifteen minutes and then I’ll start my work. 8:47 pm – Darn it. I spent almost two hours going back and forth with three other guys in BMtron. My prefect is laughing at me again from the comfort of his room as he watches videos of cats on YouTube. 9:23 pm – I would be doing homework right now, if only I hadn’t realized I am yet to have seen the last episode of “American Idol.” I just watch it for Randy. He’s the coolest. I’ve taken to saying “yo, dawg” to my teachers in homage to him, but they don’t seem to get the pop culture reference. They say my jargon doesn’t mesh with “The Odyssey.” I disagree. 10:01 pm – I missed sign in by 2.3 seconds and got week-long restriction for it. I don’t agree, but my house counselor says it builds character. 11:05 pm – My prefect walks in on me watching “American Idol.” He says he heard me singing along to “Party in the U.S.A.” and shakes his head in disgust. The Next Day 12:27 pm– I’ve slept like a baby. Actually, that’s a lie. Babies sleep miserably. Where did that saying come from? Clearly someone had never been on a plane with one. My parents used to give me whiskey before long flights and the doctor says that explains a lot. Whatever. 2:43 pm – That gym session was great. I really torched my biceps. They’re getting big. My OshKosh shirts are getting a little tight on me. Watch out, ladies. These pecs are Superman material. 4:17 pm – Just took a nap. I had this horrible nightmare that involved tight spaces, foggy windows, and flashing lights. Oh wait: It was just the Gelb dance. 8:17 pm – Restriction. Alone in my room, I watch the “Jersey Shore” finale. I gotta say, Snooki needs to clean her act up. 9:53 pm – My prefect storms in and empties the contents of my dresser onto the ground. I’d love to have a word with his mother sometime. 11:00 pm – My prefect barges in and pours toilet water all over my computer. I protest, but he tells me to look it up in the Blue Book. I turn on the light to read and he gives me restriction for the month, laughing mercilessly. What a day. -Robert Palmer
