The Eighth Page

Greg Hanafin – “Adios Features!”

A man with the wisdom of Obi-Wan Kenobi, the body of a leprechaun and the wingspan of an African Swallow once told me “A world without Features is a world where the Soviet Union wins.” And while this man may or may not exist, and what he said to me may or may not make any logical sense, his message really hits the nail on the head. Without Features all of our lives, including my own, would be vastly different and humorously mediocre. My own Features journey began in tenth grade when I read a particularly funny article in a particularly funny Phillipian section. After reading said article, I immediately thought to myself, “Perhaps I too could be a comedian of such humor stories. People laugh at me, call me names, and often throw dirt in my face. I would most definitely be a perfect Features writer.” With newfound inspiration, I quickly contacted a man known by most as the infamous Lawrence Dai ’09. In my email to Larry, I noted several times my fervent desire to become part of the Features clan in hopes of making others laugh and filling the empty void that was my life. Despite my obvious mental instability, Lawrence responded promptly with clear cut instructions and guidelines for becoming a Features writer: “Just put some words on a page and, as long as it makes fun of Arts, we’ll publish it.” This statement alone proved my preconceived notions of the outstanding resourcefulness and legitimacy of the Features section. Since that tremendous day, time has flown by, and now it is my time to bid Features adieu. (Or at least hopefully, because if I’m writing again next year you’ll know that something went terribly, terribly wrong.) And while I was never able to write a story combining an indigenous Asian Elephant, Will Ferrell, and Extraterrestrial Crop Circles, I have almost no regrets. Finally, on a rare serious note, writing for Features has been awesome. Whether you’ve liked my articles or not, or have no idea who the heck I am and are reading this just because it was the first thing you saw when you picked up the paper, you are obviously reading Features right now, and hope you will continue to do so. For current and future editors and writers: keep it up, stay funny, and make the section proud next year. For everyone in general: enjoy the rest of your time at Andover. Even in the toughest times always remember to laugh at each other and, most importantly, to laugh at yourselves.