Chances are this will turn out like many of our other attempts to emulate CXXXI, much less eloquent, anticlimactic, but with less crying (and more sex—if that’s even possible). I apologize in advance for the poor quality of writing. I think this is the first thing I have actually penned for the paper since a 6 a.m. editorial last spring that even I can’t understand, and Juliet wouldn’t ghostwrite this for me (she’s taking a Personal Health Day to watch Legend of the Seeker).
Celia and I had shared a History 340 class that I rarely attended on time Lower year. I knew Ben as probably the worst soccer player I have ever shared the field with (besides maybe Bass). And Ben and Celia, well, there’s a reason why OPP had to cart off our futon.
But I digress. We were a mötley crüe of Uppers who formed Upper Management CXXXII. We set out with the best of intentions. Ben needed to get into college. Celia needed to push her social entrepreneurship agenda. I needed to meet people outside of Stuart. Yet we quickly found ourselves too big for our britches. I’m kind of into tight pants, so this was pretty upsetting.
Things We Learned After the Turnover
The Chair of the Editorial Board is somehow NOT the boss of Editor. And Commentary is pro-segregation.
(And a note to Bass and Jenn, the original positions on the masthead definitely better reflected your working positions. Not sure how you managed to get nominated for best couple that NEVER hooked up.) Several members of the board have also diagnosed Tim’s rare testicular disorder, acutely identifying that he lacked them. The correct spelling of “Phillipian” is “Fallopian,” for pretty much the same reasons.
Time Well Spent
Much time went into reading Sports and Arts. When we weren’t out on the PA social scene, we were delivering papers and making deadline. Spencer kept the streets safe with familywatchdog.com. Juliet only used two of her Personal Health Days. Ben spent almost every Thursday morning driving his brother to hockey practice, his aunt to Quidditch practice, his grandma to roller-derby practice and his dad to his law practice. [They didn’t find the law joke funny either -TG]
Money Well Spent
Some of the more useful purchases for CXXXII include: steak bombs, chicken parm subs, Yama’s, Diet Coke, an answering machine and late fees.
People Who Love Us
Chases, Jim, Jim’s bank account and super-wealthy, generous alumni, that PA girl and GCL.
Everyone’s Favorite Newsroom Music
Brand New, Circa Survive, Dance Gavin Dance, Elliott Smith, Every Time I Die, Reggie and the Full Effect, Say Anything, Saosin, Taking Back Sunday and French Electropop
Things We Learned at Phillipian Bro Night
You gotta watch out for The Dogs. (Ow Ooowwww!) The paper would get done faster with only two-thirds of Upper Management and Features. We now also know the appropriate times to cry when with your loved ones.
Dickey ravaged In-Depth, both on paper and on the futon. Their illegitimate child will be the Editor in Chief of Phillipian board CXL. (Thanks for the tip-off Dai.) Those were the roughest winds the seven seas had ever seen, but DO NOT get in that guy’s car. Shane is a workhorse. Seriously. Juliet has the force. She killed her Sith Lord Lower winter. Girls do not go to Tim’s parties. [OK, not exactly true and you’re officially uninvited, Ben. -TG]
Future Title of The Phillipian Science Fiction Summer Blockbuster to be Created when the Technology Catches Up
BOOK VS. HUMAN:
Quotes that Mean Exactly What They Sound Like
-“When I squeeze your hands, you can blow.”
-“Guys, I’m done talking about my lips.”
-“[She] just uses getting drunk as an excuse to hook up with guys WAY out of her league, like me.”
-“What are you, 12?”
-“Guys, I’m losing so many job opportunities!”
-Weird Asian guys from the Bay are really into Juliet…and Spencer.
Thank you for reading this article. I would like to apologize for any jokes you may not have understood or may not have been funny. Your generosity has been and is appreciated by all.