The Eighth Page

“Planet” Earth

Scientists at the National Organization of Planet Elimination (NOPE) discovered that—according to modern standards—Earth can no longer be officially recognized as a planet within our galaxy, recently renamed the “Snickers” Galaxy after Snickers bought the rights when Milky Way went bankrupt. Since 2006, when Pluto was first determined to no longer be a planet, Mercury, Mars and Venus have followed suit. However, the addition of Snoopy to replace Pluto reduced the casualties. Mercury was nixed in 2014 when it was decided that it was too close to the sun to be a planet. Mars came next in 2035 when scientists declared its extreme redness put it far outside of parameters to be considered a real planet. Most recently, in 2042, Venus was voted out by the public. “I just don’t think Venus deserves to be a planet,” said West Dakota resident Al Fabett. “Ever since we were able to eliminate Idaho from the Union, everyone knew Venus was next.” Now, eight years later, Earth too has kicked the bucket. Leading NOPE scientists said in a Friday press conference that Earth has too high a concentration of oxygen to be considered a true planet. “Unless we find some way to decrease the amount of oxygen in our atmosphere, there is really no way we can call Earth a planet,” said one NOPE official. He then proceeded to say that NOPE is currently working on a two-part plan to cut down the majority of the Earth’s trees and build a machine that will eliminate most of the oxygen already in the air. “If this plan is successful,” the official continued, “We could see Earth’s title as a planet returned in as little as five or six years. This is only if everything goes according to plan, but we are all very optimistic.” In the meantime, Earth will be classified as a “mega pseudo-Dwarf inhabited” star. The operation to reduce Earth’s oxygen will be the largest, most widespread environmental effort since the Global Warming scare ended in 2013. There is no way to determine what kind of emotional toll Earth’s demotion will have on society. “I was fine when it happened to the other planets,” said one citizen at the NOPE conference. “But when it happens to your own planet it’s kind of different.” Well put, sir, well put. He continues, “I promise to give up as much oxygen as it takes to return Earth to planet status.” If everyone in the world can come together with as much bravery and determination as this man, I know we will succeed. Next week, a meeting of all the most powerful and influential world leaders will be held to discuss what we as a planet can further do to hasten this period of “de-oxygenization?” A total of 24 nations will be present, including the United States, China, France, Kazakhstan, Mount Olympus, Tatooine, the North Pole, Sparta and Colonial Williamsburg. In a recent interview, Leonidas XII, King of Sparta, said, “This really is quite embarrassing. If we had only known earlier, we could have prevented the planting of so many harmful trees. But, nonetheless, I hope we can approach this dreadful situation peacefully, without any violence and name calling.” Of course, there are some nay-sayers out there who, for some reason, think that oxygen reduction could lead to global destruction and lack of breathable air, which could possibly lead to annihilation of the human race and all living organisms on Earth. This belief is perplexing to some, since it was discovered in 2037 that humans live more efficiently off of electricity than oxygen. Just remember to recharge your batteries every night and you’ll be perfectly fine. The oxygen reduction is unlikely to significantly affect humankind, but the rest of the animal kingdom is screwed, for lack of a better term. The general consensus around the world is that if Earth is ever to become a planet again we must work together to fix the most significant global issue since Microsoft became self-aware.