The Eighth Page

Features Looks Back on the Past 40 Years

Features Looks Back on the Past 40 Years 2010’s: After a heated election between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama, Obama prevails and is re-elected. Palin’s running partner, Tiger Woods, claims that her poor public image held them back. In 2012, anticipating the end of the world, millions of people flock to churches and pray for forgiveness. Of course, the world doesn’t end even though some coked up Mayans predicted its demise hundreds of years ago. Snooki from “Jersey Shore” enters mixed-martial arts after realizing she has an iron jaw. She has a successful career that ends prematurely after a scandal revealed she had several dozen STD’s after hooking up with every guy from the hit 2010 show Jersey Shore. “Old Sun,” from the Twilight saga, breaks all box-office records as millions of prepubescent girls camp out in movie theaters months in advance. The 45-minute movie features shirtless dudes running around and not much else. LeBron James is traded to the Knicks, prompting mass depression in Cleveland and many Clevelandians to burn themselves alive. Phillips Exeter Academy deems relaxing a punishable offence. 2020’s: Obama is re-elected for the fifth time after narrowly edging out born-again Christian, Lindsay Lohan. Ralph Nader finishes in a distant third. Muslims and Jews reach peace in Israel. The peace ends ten days later after a particularly heated ping pong match. At her own funeral, Oprah Winfrey gives everyone attending a Ford Taurus. Harvard scientists discover that global warming is a myth. Al Gore is tied to a chair and forced to watch Glenn Beck for the rest of his life. Rocky 13 is released. Sylvester Stallone makes his triumphant comeback starring as Rocky, a morbidly obese, decrepit old man who steps into the ring one last time. By all measures, this was the worst movie ever released, since Rocky went into cardiac arrest before putting on his second glove. 2030’s: After USA defeats Brazil in the World Cup Finals, soccer becomes popular in the US. Just kidding. Soccer never becomes popular in the US, so don’t get your hopes up. “The Situation”—another person of “Jersey Shore” fame—is elected president of the United States. His success is attributed to his shrewd economic strategies, articulate speeches, and “hawt abz.” Only days after The Situation is elected president, he legalizes steroids and subsidizes all hair gel manufactures. After one and a half successful terms in office, The Situation is found dead in a tanning salon. His vice president, Ralph Nader, becomes the leader of the free world. Congress quickly impeaches Nader, and he is curiously never seen again. 2040’s: In a tell-all interview with Barbara Walters’ corpse, the girls’ Chinese gymnastics team admits that they entered 4 year olds into the 2008 summer Olympics. Big surprise. Scientists in Puerto Rico invent a successful cloning device, flooding the world with thousands of Ricky Martins. Scientists discover the cure for hangovers. Finally. According to a study sponsored by Playboy, masturbation is found to increase intelligence in adolescent boys. Men and boys of all ages across the world celebrate. -Robert Palmer