The Eighth Page

Allow us to introduce you to Yourself

Felix was enjoying some alone time in his dorm by changing his roommate’s Facebook status when suddenly a bright light shone through his window. A man clad in ultra-tight fitting spandex suit with chrome platform boots stepped through a portal that had appeared between his cliché Bob Marley poster and another of a sports team that he in fact knew nothing about. Mysterious Man: Hello, Felix. Do not be alarmed my boy, for I am from the future. And I am you. I come from the year 2050. As the mysterious man said that, he threw his arms into the air and confetti exploded out in all directions, covering the room with sparkle. Felix: Wow! I knew that fortune cookie wasn’t a joke! I finally will realize my path. I have so many questions. Future Felix: Ask away. That is what I am here for. Felix: Well, um… are there flying cars in the future? Future Felix: What is it with you people and asking about flying cars? No, the answer is no. To be honest, we mostly ride around on fuel efficient Vespas. We never really found a good alternative to gasoline for driving after the invention of sexbots. They pretty much use all the available electricity, and time. Felix: Oh…..what has changed in the government? Who is president? Future Felix: Oh, this is embarrassing. Keanu Reeves was cryogenically frozen so he could remain alive for Matrix 18: Hard-drive Malfunction. He actually made his jump from acting in B-list movies to head of the most powerful country in the world quite flawlessly. I believe most of his success can be attributed to his amazing ability to wear trench coats, speak with a voice that sounds like titanium, and maintain control in buses that can not go below 50 miles per hour in crowded city streets or it will be blown up by terrorists. He can also put up with the constant nagging of Sandra Bullock and that guy who plays Morpheus. Felix: And do I ever get laid? Future Felix: Do you really want an answer? Felix: Oh come on. I must. I mean, I’m on varsity lax. Future Felix: Ok well to put it bluntly, Felix, you do, but it isn’t with that girl you have been trying to close on for the past month. Or with any girl for that matter. Your fascination with great hair and sticks may have transferred into your love life during one tequilla-dazed night in Mexico, and you confirmed what you had been wondering to yourself your entire life. Oh Paco…. You settle down with him in a quaint bungalow in Florida and make a living as a professional sandcastle artist, a talent that your $320,000 of tuition at Andover and Brown could never teach you. Felix: Wow….This is all coming at me so fast. I never expected the future to be so different than what I expected. I’m scared to ask anything else. Future Felix: Oh come one, I have so much knowledge. I didn’t spend all of that time assembling that annoying Ikea Time Travel Machine/Portable Microwave for nothing. What do you want to know? Who wins every horse race for the next 20 years? What company makes the biggest jump in the stock market? You could make millions! Felix: Umm…ok. Tell me all of those things. Future Felix: Haha, no I was just kidding about that. Horse racing stopped after the infamous jockey trampling incident of 2023 combined with the sex scandal between the thoroughbred steed Longshot-Larry and the pony Armful of Tiger Lillies. As for the stock market, the price of a stock for the all-omniscient Google company skyrocketed after it added such features as being able to Google where your car keys are and search to find out what your crush thinks about you even if they are not aware that you exist. Felix: Ok, well I will take that into consideration. Thanks. Future Felix: Now I must go. It is almost 7 p.m., which is the curfew in the future. If I don’t get back in time, the Human Socialization Police will use the electrified plasma nipple clips on me for sure. And I’ve already lost my Eating Enjoyable Foods privileges. So long!