The Eighth Page

A Naked Sailor and a Caveman

A man walks into a hot, wet cave. He is wearing a sailor’s hat, two left footed bowling shoes and a jock strap. He strolls up to the only other person in the cave and starts a conversation… Half-naked sailor: It was a cold, cold October night… Caveman: Excuse me? Half-naked sailor: I said it was a cold, cold October night. Unfortunately, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel had just come to theaters. Caveman: Wait. Who the hell are you? Half-naked sailor: I said that it was a cold, cold October night when it— Caveman: No, stop saying that. Who are you, just coming in this cave and talking about some October night? And for God’s sake put on some pants. Half-naked sailor: I lost them in the war, as I was saying— Caveman: What war? There has been global flooding for the last 20 years. Half-naked sailor: The war… but whatever. Will you let me tell this story? Caveman: What story, I don’t even know who you— Half-naked sailor: OK thanks. As I was saying, Alvin and the Chipmunks had just come to theaters, so no one went to see his movie as he exclaimed his soon to be world conquest. Caveman: Who’s he? And who the hell are you? Half-naked sailor: Stop interrupting me! This is a matter of utmost importance!!! Anyway, this once future president of the USA was trying to warn the world of the danger of global warming. His first movie was a great success and “Go Green!” campaigns popped up everywhere. But, to fully ingrain his message into our heads he needed to make another movie. Caveman: Movies? Green? What??? Half-naked sailor: In association with New Line Cinemas, this great American hero attempted to save the world. But one thing stood in his way. Some meddling kids and their dumb dog – I mean chipmunks. Caveman: Whatever dude. I’m going to go get some food pills and make some instant alienburgers. Half-naked sailor: NO! You must hear me out. I can only stay here for a few more minutes. My quest is not over. Caveman: What quest? Whatever just make it fast I’m getting hungry. Half-naked sailor: Anyway, his second movie stated that the polar icecaps would be melted by his super duper secret melt ray. Despite his machine’s patronizing name, its purpose was to change Al Gore’s reputation as a feminine, whining idealist. This reputation came from his request for a recount in the presidential election of the year 2000 and even more so from his cartoon debut on the television show South Park. In it, he is constantly crying wolf about a make-believe character known as ManBearPig, which he claims is half man, half bear, and half pig…or maybe half man, half bearpig… After his entire life went down the toilet he had nothing to lose. He put his plan into action and began a process of destruction that would forever alter the face of the earth. Caveman: Woah…. Half-naked sailor: And with that, I part you. You must take this knowledge and use it wisely to let the world know what happened and to never again let a pant-suit wearing, almost president, ManBearPig proclaiming, laughingstock, Al Gore take over the world.