Wow, I never realized that they keep the Jeopardy music on for the whole commercial break. It’s awesome at first, but every time it repeats it gets worse and worse, eventually reaching the point where it’s flat-out annoying to listen to. It’s kind of like a Frank Caliendo routine. When it comes down to it, the Jeopardy music is basically a John Madden impression in disguise. I’m feeling pretty confident about Final Jeopardy. “17th Century European History,” eh? I should’ve known it was going to be either that or “The Academy Awards.” It always is. I haven’t even heard the question yet, but I’m pretty sure the answer is either King James I or Oliver Cromwell. “Casablanca” would’ve been a shoe-in for “Academy Awards.” I also knew when I signed up that I would get the middle podium. That’s where they always put the normal guy. I can’t get enough of this dude Hanz over here on the left, though. He’s a 42-year-old elementary school math teacher from Pittsburgh. Look at those permanent spitball marks on the back of his neck! This guy definitely takes a beating in class everyday, only to return to his mom’s basement and watch “Star Trek” while he grades fun-sheets until his eyes can’t stay open any longer. I wonder if he realizes how much like an idiot he looks when he violently flails his arm around every time he tries to buzz in. I actually think he may’ve broken the thing on the third question. There is no reason any part of the body besides the thumb should move to complete the necessary motion, yet he chooses to move everything below the shoulder. He even includes some footwork and goes up on his tiptoes every time he presses it. Plus, the dweeb keeps banging his elbow on the side of the podium, and each time he lets out this pathetic little “Ow.” It really just screams, “I’m a middle-aged loser who cries whenever he stubs his toe.” And even if he actually does get called on, the moron feels the need to scream into the microphone, as if the thing might actually stifle his voice rather than amplify it. It’s a microphone, not a box made of bricks, you freaking idiot. Then there’s Judy over here to the right. I’m pretty positive she could not be any less attractive or funny. Let me think for a second…nope, she couldn’t be. I think she may actually be as much of an idiot as ole’ Hanzy boy. I wanted to shoot her in the head when we came back from the first commercial break and Trebek had each of us tell a brief story about ourselves. Of all things, she chose to tell one about the time she got locked out of her house and couldn’t find her spare key. Her freaking spare key! I mean, this lady gets on national television and has the chance to tell any story from her whole lifetime, and she decides on the time she got locked out of her house for 30 minutes. Even if the only thing I owned was a key, I wouldn’t tell a story about it on Jeopardy. You know what, I flat-out do not like Judy. What a dumb, unattractive three-day Jeopardy Champion. If the $65,000 she earned doesn’t go towards a facelift, I will officially pronounce her the dumbest person to ever set foot on this stage…besides Hanz, of course. Hanz is a freaking idiot. And what’s with the way they write their names? Do they think there’s something mature about giant bubble letters? Hanz doesn’t even have any continuity in his. The “HA” is so big that he had to make the “nz” tiny and in normal writing. He had the whole thing written in Wingdings at first, but Trebek requested that he change it. Then Ugly Judy put her name inside a giant heart. I think there should be a rule that any woman rated 3 or below on a scale of 1-10 should not be allowed to use hearts with their names. Judy is well below a three; she is actually about as hideous of a woman as I’ve ever seen, to reiterate my earlier point about her extreme unattractiveness. Even Trebek refuses to make eye contact with her—her homeliness is too unbearable for a 60-year-old game show nerd. Oh no, here comes final Jeopardy. “An English Political and Military Leader who later became Lord Protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland.” My boy, Oliver! Good thing I wagered all my money. But what the hell is that clicking sound I keep hearing? Dammit, Hanz! Don’t you realize they turn that damn thing off for this one, you freaking idiot! Hanz is a freaking idiot.