The Eighth Page

Midterm Advice Rppseve;t Wpi;d Approve Of

? Good afternoon youth of our nation, Edwin Masterson here from the good ol’ class of ’19. That was a great year, filled with rock candy, delicious rations and of course the genius comedy stylings of Fatty Arbuckle; wow those were the days! That was the year I first got to third base with Gertrude Fitzgerald. What a stone-cold fox she was! And she still is; only now she also sleeps under a cold stone. Nonetheless, I’ve never seen someone look sexier while eating prunes and grasping her oxygen mask for dear life. But I’m not here to regale you with tales of my sexual conquests; I’ll save those for my book “What you can get away with at a Sadie Hawkins when you once dated Sadie Hawkins.” No, I’m here to give you youngins some advice on Midterms! ? Now many of you may be saying to yourself, “What can that handsome Charlie Chaplin looking devil tell me about Midterms, he went here close to a century ago?” And to those people I say “Nay!!!” I know just as much about PA and the modern culture of its youth as any 13-year-old Hale-girl. I also know things couldn’t have changed much since I graduated in my class of 23 people, 18 of which missed commencement to fight in the Great War. So here’s my guidance, use it wisely! ?? Hide cheat sheets under bow tie This is for the fellows who may need a little extra help come test day. With proper folding techniques you can adequately hide a large sheet of answers inside the folds of your bow tie. Or if you’re really ambitious you can write answers on your bow tie before tying it. There’s a wealth of possibilities, use those bow ties wisely. ?? Don’t let that Typewriter get Jammed Be careful not to let this happen. You write a 10,000-word paper but if you spell the last word wrong, you have to start over! Plus you should always be sure of what you’re writing, it’s not like you can change it once it’s written. During test taking do not get distracted ? Guys you know when you’re taking a test and there’s a handsome looking gal sitting in front of you? Well I’m here to tell you not to look! I know it can be tempting when the girls wearing a dress that goes above the ankle or when you can see the faint imprint of her bloomers through the nine layers of clothing; but fellows you have to resist and pay attention to your test. Manage your time It’s hard to go through midterms when you have to deal with everything else in your life that’s time consuming. Students from Connecticut have to spend some time talking about all the Ivy League schools their relatives attended, certain students have to deal with the pains of polio and some freshman girls have wedding planning to do as well as children to take care of. All I say is know your priorities and manage your time. After all, what’s more important, learning about the Civil War in history or helping your father deal with the trauma of the Civil War? Think about it. Get lots of sleep The most recent statistics I’ve seen indicate that in addition to smoking daily and eating the regular amount of DDT©-sprayed fruits and vegetables, good sleep is one of the most necessary things to the Human body (Marlboro-Scotts Lobbyist Group—1909). So for those of you who want to burn out a few candles staying up all night just so you can practice the Charleston or listen to that radio show you’ve been following, don’t do it and get some sleep! I hope my words will help you all have a successful Midterm. I must end this though, I have some geriatric tail to checkout. -Ben Nichols