The Eighth Page

A Unique Parent-Teacher Conference

Teacher: Chazz, I asked to see you today because your Midterm grades are sub-par. Chazz: Well, Tiger Woods is “sub-par” and he seems to be doing pretty gosh darn well. Right? Riiiiiiight? Teacher: I’m not amused. Chazz: I think it’d help you to laugh a little, teach. You know, let loose once in a while. Teacher: That’s what Curves is for, Chazz. Now, may we get to the point? Chazz: Go for it. Teacher: Your responses are reflective of the bad work habits and behavior that you have shown over the past few months. I can never seem to get you to focus. When I want to talk about the Constitution, you somehow find a way to talk about prostitution. Chazz: What sounds alike, is alike. In my defense, those redcoats in wigs look an awful lot like a few cheap streetwalkers. Teacher: Chazz, we have had three tests, all of which you got zero points on. Instead of circling an answer for the multiple choice questions, you took the liberty of creating your own answers and circling them. I am still confused as to how “PMS” was a cause of the colonists’ rebellion, or how “Optimus Prime” won the battle at Saratoga. The only points you have earned in this class are from your essay, where you succeeded in stating a clear thesis. I quote, “America pwned those other European bums because of fast-food, American Idol and Kanye West.” Chazz: History just doesn’t interest me. Why care about stuff that has already happened? Let’s just forget about American History and my grades, okay? Teacher: I think it’s more than that: I think there is something deep down inside of you that needs to come out. Chazz: Yeah, and it’s called fish taco. I’ll be back once I’ve given the janitor something to do tonight. (13 minutes later) Chazz: Wow. That was more devastating than the winter at Valley Forge. Teacher: See, Chazz? You know the material for this class. Why don’t you just try a little bit? Chazz: I don’t know. I guess I’m afraid of failure. If I make myself fail, then I won’t feel disappointed in myself. [Laughs.] I’m just kidding. Wow, I really couldn’t keep that act up for very long. Thank you, online Laguna Beach acting lessons. Teacher: I just don’t know what to do with you, Chazz. I have tried everything to get you to put forth a little effort. Don’t you want to do well in school? Chazz: Not particularly. See, at the end of this rainbow is nothing but grades. It’s like only grades matter. I want to find a pot filled with gold – or maybe just pot – at the end of my rainbow. Teacher: As poetic as that almost was, I still believe that you want a successful life. Chazz: I do, but I found my own way to do it. See, I got pretty good at putting Jesus’s face on stuff then selling it on eBay. Let me tell you, business has been stupendous. I’m literally inundated with cash. Teacher: I have had enough! Am I going to have to call your father? Chazz: Oh man, that’s original. Why don’t you put me in the corner while you’re at it? Teacher: My fourth period students are coming. We will talk about this when I come home for dinner. Chazz: Fine, mom! You just better not make those nasty fish tacos again. They are worse than the friggin’ Stamp Act! -Ryan Yost